Coming Back Into Focus

Do you know the feeling when you somersault underwater, then come out of it not knowing which way is up and out into the fresh air? I have become quite familiar with that feeling over this past month. When several issues hit at once, that were frustrating, eye-opening and concerning, I had to find my way to fresh air. During that process, I stopped writing on my blog. I stopped, mostly because I had nothing to share. I had put aside my urge to check in with everyone, and to share things I was thinking about. I gave myself time to define my priorities, and to let go of those things that were no longer important.

I have made several discoveries about myself over the past month. I have learned that taking care of my family, my home, my body and my money are all priorities. Not that they weren't in the past, but I have reached absolute bottom with each of these areas lately, that I had to stare each one in the face long and hard to discover how I was going to pursue a comfortable standard for myself. Just how clean is clean? Just how much money needs to be in savings to feel secure? What foods make me feel sick and what make me feel better? How hard do I push for my kids to be involved in after school activities - or homework? How about family respect? Do I demand it at every turn?

My sister, Lisa discovered more cancer in her breast (pectoral) muscle - from the side that the initial tumors were removed. I never considered this would happen. Why? I knew it could. However, I knew what 'clean margins' meant - and when the doctors announced that they 'got it all' with the initial surgery, I never questioned it. I subscribed to the magic carpet that carried us all right out of harm's way and into the land of healing. I should have known better. But I just so desperately wanted to take a deep breath - I wanted to be certain Lisa would be fine forever. So when she called me with the new pathology report a few weeks ago, I felt all the trauma of the first cancer phone call over a year ago. Me, at a laundromat during one of my washer-break-down days, trying to shove the clothes into the dryer, putting quarters into the machine with blurry, tear-filled eyes. The quarters kept falling to the floor, and me, swearing under my breath. I wasn't angry at those quarters, but at life. At the ridiculous cosmos for causing my sister pain and anguish.

So you see, I had to step aside from this blog, from certain areas in my life that were taking considerable time and effort that I just didn't feel I could afford to give. I stopped creating art, making music for fun, enjoying friends, laughing. So many things stopped making sense, and I had to figure it out. Not really a depression, but a serious focusing to get clear on life and how I really want to live mine. I can't stop my sister's cancer. I can't change the housing market. I can't force my children to love school. I can't pay the bills unless I go to work. Looking at all of this with a positive light, I can learn more about breast cancer, to be pro-active rather than frightened. I can keep my house tidy until the right time comes to sell it. I can extend my kids' educational experiences by offering more museum trips and adventures that relate to their curriculum. I can find a way to de-stress at work, providing myself enough space to enjoy what I do and the people I work with.

And I can keep finding time to do the things I love, to keep everything in perspective.

I wish you all well.

A Day at the Museum

This summer, we had the great experience of visiting The Connecticut Science Center. Housed in a beautiful new building in the busy city of Hartford, Connecticut, this place is amazing. We have a pretty terrific science museum and a children's museum here in Boston, but when I read a review in the paper about this place in Hartford, I figured it was worth the 1.5 hour drive. And I was right. (I love it when I'm right.)

The museum, designed by world-renowned architect, Cesar Pelli, sits on the beautiful Connecticut River. Although it is crazy busy outside, once inside the comfortable walls, it feels as though you are suspended above a calm and peaceful turn of the water. Lots of windows to look out - even climb into to get a better view.

Everything about the place was airy and cool. Being a very hot day in August, we welcomed the cooler temperatures indoors. There was a whole exhibit on how they built the museum taking into account green engineering and geothermal energy for cooling.

The exhibits were incredible. Usually, my kids can breeze through a place, pretty much casing the joint for the 'fun-ness' factor. Well... I can tell you that we had to drag them out of there after 5 hours! And only because we were starving, and had a long drive ahead of us. We could have stayed longer, much longer.

Here, my husband is using bursts of air to move a beach ball. The game involved getting the ball through a chute - somewhat trickier than he thought!

Our eldest had pretty good luck. Turns out you needed the smaller ball, using less air momentum, and a whole lot of patience, in order to make it through.

Interactive exhibits where kids actually want to participate with an adult tops my list of fantastic summer finds!

My husband received a tutorial on speed-skiing, video-game style from our youngest. Although he typically does not enjoy video games, he kept trying this out, again and again.

Making music is one of our passions, and this museum did not let us down. Our eldest found the electronic jam room, and tuned up with several other kids.

You can listen to some of what they created here:

Our youngest is the mover and shaker of the family, as you can see here with the jumping exhibit:

And here, our youngest and my husband duel it out mind-blowing style. See the little, tiny ball in the glass tube? And see the headbands on their heads? With alpha waves, they are each moving the ball back and forth. He who gets the ball to the opposite end of the tube first, is the most relaxed. No pressure, folks...

And this is what the graph looks like after the competition. You may have guessed that you want the waves to be down low with few peaks. Looks like Player 2 got it this time!

This exhibit was pretty fun for our youngest. he's such a rock-'em, smash-'em kinda guy that he took to this immediately. The whole point of it was 'why do we need helmets'? You choose a helmet, put it on the 'dummy head' and then pull back the huge mallet and let it go.

The mallet then hits the head simulating a car crash or some other type of head trauma:

I'm pretty sure the point of the exhibit was totally lost on my son. He just enjoyed smashing the head over and over.

Here, you see both my boys actually checking something out together...! I thought they had outgrown playing in the water and sand, but what-do-you-know? Put it out there, and they will get their hands in it!

We had an incredible time. At lunch we traipsed down to the cafe for a meal full of organic and local produce/meats. It was a bit pricey, but when the food is that well-prepared, I don't mind paying a little more.

If anyone ventures out to Connecticut, make a beeline for the Connecticut Science Center. If it can bring my family together for a full day of fun, it must be totally amazing!

How Do Other People Do It??

Tell me how it works.  I read blog after blog every day, learning about all sorts of moms who seem to do 'everything' yet seem so relaxed about it all.  Even the ones who work part of their week, still find time to make a decent meal, read to the kids and scrapbook their last vacation.  I, on the other hand, find myself running after the 8 ball on a repeated basis, looking for lost socks, finding cures for extremely smelly shoes, making sure all the animals get at least one square meal a day (and I don't mean my kids), and making sure that the car I get into at the grocery store lot is actually my own.  Whew!  

I took a few days off this past week to spend more time at home, and became fascinated with all that I could do if I was home on a regular basis.  I decided I would get to the bottom of the laundry pile first, just to remind myself what color the bottom of the hamper really was.  After 10 loads (I kid you not) I really didn't care what color it was, mostly because I was so winded after going up and down 2 flights of stairs to the laundry room for 2 days.  

I had this great idea to cook with my kids - to make chocolate chip banana bread, one of our new favorites.  I went to their rooms, offered to make it with them, and saw the folded clothes that I had just 'lovingly' washed, dried and folded, sitting on the floor.  Needless to say, that after my rant about said clothes on the floor, I was left alone to cook the banana bread, as "no one wants to cook with a 'mean-ie'".  Uh huh.  

I went out to the deck to tend our newly planted veggie garden, and noticed that the recent rain had overwatered the plants.  Being that some of the planters do not have super-efficient drainage, I emptied them of the extra water, picked off the yellowed foliage and dead-headed where necessary, all while talking that special baby-talk that plants so love (What?? You don't do that?).  Ok.  Then as I walked back in doors, I heard a monster of a thunder clap and would ya believe...a torrent of rain came down.  Just as I thought the sun really hadn't forgotten us.  So it was back out to the deck in another hour to dump the additional water from the slowly draining pots.

I stopped counting the "I have nothing to do"'s from my kids after 100 today.  Seriously.  Summer only began for us on Thursday.  It's Monday, folks.  

Now I sit in the living room with several piles of the last laundry load folded around me.  I ate way too many pieces of chocolate chip banana bread, and I can't remember if I showered today. Or was it yesterday?  Every single part of my home that I cleaned over the past 4 days now needs additional attention.  But my kids are fed and in bed at a decent hour, the dishes are done, we have enough clean underwear to last us through to the first day of school, and I go back to work tomorrow.  Makes me think I'm going on vacation at this point.

Cookin' Out!

I have been away in California for my niece's graduation.  What a wonderful time I had.  It is so good to reconnect with family, especially over such a great celebration.

We had a good ol' fashioned Bar-B-Que while I was there this past week, with my nephew making some pretty awesome hamburgers.  We also had the discussion of whether to call it a BBQ or cookout.  In the east, we call it a cookout, and I guess I became accustomed to the word as it seemed natural to me, but my family got a kick out of it - "Cookout?", they asked.  Ah well, semantics.

Chris' Amazing Hamburgers

My nephew, Chris, begins making the hamburgers by mixing the meat up with a few simple spices - salt and pepper, or whatever you have on hand.  He takes a patty-sized amount of the meat and rolls it into a ball, depresses the center and adds a large cube of cheese.  After closing the ball, he pats it into a patty and cooks it on the grill.  Serve with your favorite toppings, relishes, etc.

To that, we added grilled eggplant that my friend, Fiona and her son, Campbell, recently taught me to make.

End of the School Year Eggplant

Slice one eggplant about 1/2" thin, skin on.  Layer the pieces in a colander, sprinkle liberally with salt and let sit for 1/2 hour (with something underneath to catch the water).  Rinse well and pat dry.

Heat grill to medium/medium high.

Mix 1 Tbs chopped garlic with 1/2 C olive oil.  Before placing the eggplant pieces on the grill, brush each piece with the garlic/olive oil mixture.  Grill on one side until grill marks form and eggplant is beginning to be soft.  You may need to brush with more olive oil to keep the eggplant soft.  Turn the eggplant and brush with the oil.  Continue to grill until soft.

Sprinkle all pieces with salt or seasoned salt once grilled.

Whatever you call it, cooking outdoors brings an altogether smoky and adventurous flavor to food.  I am looking forward to sharing more grilling stories and recipes with you this summer.  Having just picked up the Cook's Illustrated guide to grilling, I expect to have many more grilling experiences coming up.  Stay tuned!

Hippity Hop Easter's On It's Way...

How Are You Celebrating the Holidays?


We celebrate Easter in my family. But what does it really mean – to celebrate Easter? We are not a particularly religious family, my husband has been known to attend church every now and then, but not the rest of us for a variety of reasons. Somehow, though, I turn inward at this time of year and try to get in touch with what Easter, and the sense of renewal, means. As I have raised my children, I have tried very hard to bring about some sort of meaning of Easter for them – so that it means more than the Easter bunny, eggs and candy. Yet I worry that we missed the boat. My sons look forward to Easter baskets – even now at ages 11 and 13. Back when I was a consumer-aholic, I fell into the trap of ‘gifting’ at any opportunity. Even if it was only a few treats and a stuffed animal when they were younger, the pattern became set: Easter means gifts. My younger son even talked about an ‘Easter list’ last week. Yikes. I told him quite quickly that there would not be any lists generated. He seemed crushed. Oh, what have I done??
I really like the idea of Passover, where you have particular traditions for very important reasons. I suppose Easter has it’s own traditions and rituals for some folks, perhaps just not for me. If you always have ham at Easter, I guess you could call that a tradition – but not the type I am looking for. Do holidays become less holy if you do not have traditions that carry over? Is it acceptable to celebrate Easter (or Christmas for that matter) when you do not consider yourself to be particularly religious? That it has become another consumer-friendly occasion to pour out love and affection in the form of fluffy bunnies and stale marshmallow chickens makes me sad and frustrated.
So how do you undo something like training your children to be consumer-aholics around the holidays? How do you bring them a sense of understanding that at this time of year, we consider the renewal of life, rather than the renewal of credit balances?
The answer I have is to create a sense of peace at home, including nearby family members, good food and (cheap) fun. This Easter, we will spend time with my inlaws here in Massachusetts. We will have a meal, cooked by all of us – pot luck style – and enjoy each others’ company. Prior to that, I will make a special breakfast for everyone in my household – strawberry crepes was the routine when I was growing up – and we will hang around in our pajamas as long as possible. Someone will read the paper, someone will read a book, and others may make or listen to music – a wonderful laid-back Sunday. My boys insist they want to dye eggs and have a hunt in the yard, but I would love to let go of this tradition. We don’t eat too many eggs to begin with, and especially not hard boiled. I don’t mind the coloring of them, but the eating – they just rot in the fridge. I will have to see if I can get around this one.

So how do you celebrate Easter/Passover?

Memories Do Last a Lifetime

Today we spent the day with family to honor a family member who passed away a year ago. I was unsure how we would spend our time together, but very motivated to get together with others to celebrate this occasion. As I often do before a family gathering, I got myself extra busy before leaving for the 1/2 hour drive. I notice that I tend to busy myself in the effort to move away from the anxiety that often comes from anticipating family gatherings. It's not that I do not look forward to these events, I do, and I typically enjoy them once we get going. But my mind seems to go on auto pilot, "Will the boys misbehave?" "Will we get into uncomfortable discussions?" "Will I say something I shouldn't?" Worry worry worry. And when I get ultra busy, I suppose I feel a little less conscious anxiety and more overwhelmed from all I am trying to accomplish before we leave. Ridiculous, I know.
Today was no different, having the need to go to the Asian grocery to find an obscure ingredient that I needed for a raw dish I was trying to make, and to get some fish to bring along. I love that store, but my time crunch this morning made it harder for me to enjoy the trip over there. Then I had to take my youngest son shopping for something he had saved up for and just HAD to have today. And then, being that the Asian store did not have what I needed, I had to traipse over to our favorite health foods store (after calling to be sure I wasn't wasting a trip) which was in the same town that we were traveling to.
Once we were on our way, I was fine. And I began thinking about this family member who passed last year. He taught me so much over the course of 15 years that I knew him. Our relationship was not always joyful, but there was a mutual respect that I will carry with me forever.
When we were all gathered around a beautiful feast, complete with gluten free offerings, thanks to my mother in law, we each spoke out about this family member: our memories, funny stories, things we want to remember, things from a very long time ago, and things from just before he died. Everyone contributed - even my boys who scrunched up their noses when the idea for sharing was announced. But they had ideas in their heads already - they too were touched gently by this family member, and wanted to share. It was a wonderful and touching display of love and tenderness that I had not experienced from our family before. I commented on how this death has brought us all closer, and I think our dear departed member would think kindly of that - that he had brought us all closer in the end, to carry on, sadly, without him, but carry on to bring peace to each other and demonstrate that devotion to the younger generation in our family.

Are You An Animal Lover?

I often ask my boys to 'feed the animals'.  And then, when they ignore me, I start asking why we have the animals after all.  I started to think about this, wondering why I have just about always had animals in my life.  I grew up on a gentleman's farm, with horses, sheep, goats, chickens, ducks and dogs and cats.  When I went on to college, I got a cat.  And then for grad school, I 'adopted' my boyfriend's (now husband's) dog, while introducing him to my siamese cat that had come across country with me.  Now, we have 2 cats, 2 guinea pigs, a bunny, a gecko and many house mice.  What is it that we animal lovers get from these 2-4 legged creatures?

I get unconditional love, and entertainment.  I get a warm fuzzy body curling up in my lap just when I seem to be feeling lost or just the slightest bit blue.  I look at the bunny - who pretty much just gets fed, and doesn't really provide much cuddle or communication experiences for us.  What do we get out of keeping pets like him?  We don't get his fur for warmth, or eggs to eat.  He doesn't provide us with much, per se.  Somehow, just by being a part of our family, he has found an important place.  He now sits in our kitchen, to keep him warm and out of the chilling winds and blowing snow/rain of New England winters.  But I think maybe he'll just stay through the spring.  He's looking a little slower and thinner and just a bit older to me, and he needs my watchful eye to protect him.  Although we don't get to hold him (he bites), he has burrowed his way to my heart, and I will miss him when he moves on.  (I'm not pushing him along - but I don't think it will be too long now)

My younger son BEGGED for guinea pigs at Christmas.  And of course I said no no no.  I knew who would end up feeding them, cleaning the cage, etc - yep.  You guessed it.  Me.  Well I made a pact that I would NOT be the one taking care of these new girls.  No.  No Way.  Uh Uh.

Well.  I don't let them starve.  I go in after my youngest goes to school and make sure they have their food and water - he's 11 and he's trying to do a good job.  Sometimes he forgets, so I take care of that.  They're sweet little girls in that cage - and I just love animals!

What animals must you live with??

Not Falling Far From the Tree

We all love it when our children strive to be like us.  But what do you do when your child imitates your bad habits?  I have a confession to make, which will be of no surprise to those who know me well.  I'm a messy housekeeper.  I love living in a clean house, but have never developed all those wonderful skills needed to keep the house clean on a regular basis.  I hate to answer the door when the house is a mess.  If I know you are coming over, we clean like mad to get ready.  Give me less than a day notice, and I am a wreck.  We've been known to piggyback events at the house to maximize our cleaning efforts - like a family dinner on Friday, followed by a game night on Saturday and a brunch with friends on Sunday.  Makes for a busy weekend, but at least we only had to clean once.  Somehow, when I was young, I missed the lecture on how to easily keep up with cleanliness on a day to day basis - where was I?? Actually, no, I remember the lecture - the many lectures.  What I don't remember is why they never sunk in.  And I do remember what a pain it was to pick up after myself, preferring instead to play the piano, play outside, read a book... anything but clean!

So, sadly, my habits regarding housekeeping have continued into adulthood, and my children have followed suit. I try to turn them around and instill some decent cleaning awareness, but when I have such a hard time with it, it really seems hypocritical.  My question is this: in the BIG picture, is it worth concentrating so hard on getting my children to pick up after themselves?  I'm talking their own stuff in their own rooms.  I have horrific  thoughts of dorm rooms where future roommates wonder (aloud) what was wrong with my boys' upbringing that they keep their junk all over the place.  And what about respect for all things (even material)? Should I focus on how my sons keep their own bedrooms or only concentrate on the shared living spaces?  Do I need to worry about their future relationships and how it reflects on me down the road?  Or should I spend more time improving my own cleaning skills and let them learn by example?  Have I missed the boat with all of this (the boys are 11 and 13)??

Share your thoughts and wisdom.  I could use anything you have at this point!!

Putting it in Perspective, Part 2

In California, I'm visiting my family.  What a wonderful time to reconnect with the people I love and have missed for so long.  As part of my sister's cancer treatment, I accompanied her to chemo today.  Having never been to a chemo treatment, I really had no idea what to expect.  I had thought it would be more upbeat than I found it, though.  I suppose the tone of it all that affected me was seeing so many people facing a serious illness.  I have tried to stay connected with my sister as she battles this experience, by phone, email, etc, but I was really surprised at how going to the treatment felt to me.  It's as if I was able to stay a bit disconnected, removed, by being across the country from her.  As if by only hearing her voice but not seeing how the medicine has changed her body has made it safer for me.  I felt so sad knowing she has fought this war.  Then I became angry with the cancer itself.  With everyone's cancer.  How can something so small rage in our bodies and make us so sick, unable to care for our families and tackle daily tasks?  

But I know that my anger is really fear.  I know that when I am feeling out of control with something (like my sister's cancer), I show anger when I really feel fear.  I want to take it away and make her well.  I want to make all those people in the chemo room well.  I want to feel more in control of these difficult feelings.  They make me uncomfortable.  But perhaps I can learn more about myself through them.  How many of us can face our uncomfortabilities?  

So, putting it all in perspective, I think it's time for me to consider some alternatives for dealing with these feelings. The reality is my sister is dealing with a serious illness.  The reality is this illness will not change just because I want it to.  My fear is that she will not have my support in the way she needs as she faces her daily climb to health.  I have days where I don't know what to do, what to say, how to face her illness.  I feel like that 5 year old who stomps her feet and says, "It's not fair".  It isn't fair, but I can learn how to understand that life is experienced on many levels at once.  I can stay in the immediate, cognitive level and try to make sense of it all, or move into what I will call the sensational level - that in which information is delivered through the senses.  On the sensational level, I try less to make sense of everything in a scientific manner, and look more at how things make me feel.  What is my gut instinct?  Looking at my sister's situation, and the chemo experience we had today, the information I get is to be patient and open.  I understand that my anger does not help me, and it takes away from the support I need to give my sister.  

Cancer is ugly.  No doubt about it.  But she's beating it, and I feel lucky to learn from so wise an individual.  Thanks to my sister, I can learn a new way to face difficult situations.  And the journey needn't be scary, since we're here together.

Saying Goodbye to Vietnam

My trip to Vietnam is coming to a close.  And I miss my family terribly, but I will miss this country as well.  The friends, the food, the combined pace of crazy traffic versus leisurely living have all burned a place in my mind as things I can learn from.  The picture above says so much to me.  This will be a picture to hang on my wall.  I want to remember these people who do so much with so little.  What we normally spend in one sitting at a middle-of-the-road restaurant back home is a weekly salary for a well-paid teacher.  Yet as much as I want to remember this experience and have it help me make good decisions back home, I also wonder how long will it be before I return to my old ways of living: spending money without considering the real costs, wasting food, and making mindless trips in the car for errands I could have lumped together to save both time and money.  How long before this wonderful experience becomes a faded memory?  How long before I just smile and shake my head at the fact that I bought a gourmet meal for 6 people for under $20?  

Can we really make long-standing changes to our behavior when these habits are old and strong?  How challenging will this be when we live in a culture that moves against the changes we are trying to make, and voluntarily living carefully is against the norm, and living mindfully is not chic or even understood.  It makes no difference to me if people agree with or like the way I want to live.  But it does make a difference to me if society makes it more challenging.  Luckily, I live in a world where I can make the choice of what is most important to me and my family.

Thinking this over, I have decided on the following changes I would like to work on:

• Look at the real reason for stress in my life and decrease it.
• Understand and get to the root of 'what is the real issue?' during difficult situations.
• Understand the 'real cost' of things before I buy them.
• Understand the need for rest, and recognize the difference between being rested and pushing myself too hard.
• Remind myself to be alone for periods of every day, just to be alone.
• Continue to eat dinner for breakfast - I love Pho!
  

So there's my list.  What's yours??

My teaching is finished and now I have a little time to see some of Vietnam before flying to the West Coast to visit family.  I have enjoyed teaching 26 lovely teachers, who are representatives of several schools for blind children.  I witnessed a beautiful concert in our honor this morning that brought me to tears.  20 blind students, all around 14-18 years old, stood in the auditorium to share the most beautiful, traditional Vietnamese music.  Huge drums and stringed instruments accompanied their amazing voices, as I stood in the back and basically wiped my eyes the entire time.  It was not only the music that was so moving for me.  It was the whole experience.  To come from such a privileged place - the US - and not to have thought I was so privileged.  

Of course, I'm not rolling in the dough.  I have a hard time 'making it' just like the next family.  Most months, my paychecks don't stretch far enough.  But here was a group of people who live in extreme poverty, but had the richness in their lives to come together to make incredible music.  And here they were giving their gift of music to us in appreciation for what WE did this week.  I felt both honored and very small at the same time.

Yesterday, I saw people living in the gutters as we drove around in the school van.  I saw men hanging hammocks from the trees along the street at night as their place of rest - just around the corner from my hotel.  When you purchase things, you are expected to haggle.  They jack up the price for foreigners, and it is expected that they will be bargained with.  But every time I do it, I keep thinking - this item is costing me $5.  At home it would be $25.  I should just give them the extra money.  But my colleagues assure me that it would be wrong.  And I suppose I understand.

Somehow, I need to bring this experience home with me as a way to be much more appreciative of my warm bed, car to drive, home and garden, steady job.  I don't have to live on the streets, nor will my children.  I can travel to foreign countries and visit new sights.  I can go to school to advance my education, or I can choose to change my occupation.  I can even change my life structure to include more time off with my family.  I have many choices which my new Vietnamese friends do not have.  And the biggest lesson I have to learn is that even with less, even with 15 people living under one roof, even with crazy traffic in a huge city, even with hardly enough food to feed their family - these folks are happy, social, loving and highly intelligent.  Happier and kinder people I have never met.  Every street corner has someone laughing, smiling or chatting away with someone else.  It has been a truly rich experience.  One that will live with me for a long time.

I love things for free.  I really, really love it.  And not that many things come for free these days.  Have you heard about SKYPE?  It's not new, by any means, but some folks don't have much use for it unless they are traveling or have friends and family in far away places.  This week, I travel to Vietnam for a good long time.  In order to stay in touch with my family, we have downloaded Skype on all the computers.  This way, we can not only talk with each other regularly, we can even see each other with the webcams attached to the computers.  Pretty cool.  I checked with my cell carrier to find out how much cell calls would be while I'm away, and I received the quote of $1.99 per minute.  Youch!  So with Skype, we can talk for free - big difference from $1.99 per minute.

Skype is available free to download.  Once installed, you can 'call' another computer that has Skype without any costs involved.  However, if you want to call a land line or mobile phone, you have to add some money to an account, though the charge for these calls are a fraction of the cost of typical calls, phone to phone.  If you do want to add money to an account, the only stipulation is that you use the account at least once per year to keep it active (I did this just by calling my home phone once for about .10).  

For quality, I can't say that I would prefer this type of calling over your usual phone conversation.  It is wonderful to see people when traveling, or when they live far away.  I do find that I have to speak up quite a bit when talking as my computer microphone may not be as strong as if I had a separate mic.  And you do notice a delay from when you speak to when the recipient hears it (you see your own image on the screen as well).  But on the whole, these issues are small and insignificant compared to being able to communicate with loved ones.

Being far away from family is challenging and lonely.  Being in touch will be so much more wonderful now that we have Skype.

Who's Time is it Anyway?

What a day!   Those of you who take care of others already know how hard it is to get some time for yourself, I don't have to tell you.  But wow.  Today, I feel like there was absolutely no time to breathe.  Absolutely. No. Time.  I was running here and there for work, then here and there for my kids - picking this one up, putting him there.  Picking that one up and taking him there.  A seemingly never-ending process that has landed me, at 10:30 pm, on the couch to finally take a moment for me.  

I started reading "The Simple Life" by Frank Levering and Wanda Urbanski earlier (ok, so I guess I did get a few minutes to read...) and it makes my head swim with grand ideas.  I have just barely scratched the surface of their journal about moving from crazy-busy LA to the quieter, more humane orchards of Virginia.  Although the story is set in the 80's, I am able to get a sense of what it was like for them to throw in the towel on their jet-setting life and turn instead to family and a slower pace.  Being that they came to the family farm to take over the debt-laden orchard business, they speak about having to cut spending habits developed in the big city to stay afloat.  

Another reason this couple decided to take a hike from southern California is that they were so busy trying to keep up with everyone else that they forgot to take care of their own relationship.  Within all the bustle of glamor-life, they lost their sense of self and reasons for being together.  I can't say I work the 60-70 hour work weeks that they did, but I must say I can relate.  

Isn't it always the relationship closest to each of us that suffers the most?  When we were growing up, my sister and I would fight like cats and dogs.  Over anything.  She took my shirt.  She looked at me funny.  She spilled glue on my homework.  Her stuff is touching my stuff.  I still remember my mother hollering "Girls!" up the stairs as we would launch into yet another crazy tirade.  But the funny things is, I think we always knew our relationship was safe because you can't divorce your sister.  Ultimately, we always knew that we'd get over whatever made us so mad, and we'd be sort-of friends again.  But as the closest person to me, I loved to hate her.  Thankfully, we both grew out of that fighting stage, and now I adore her.

So this makes me think about how I behave when I'm most tired now.  Can I be assured that my loving family gets my patient attention?  Can I justify all of my time away working as well as my time at home too exhausted to participate in family activities?  Is the payoff worth it?  This brings me to wonder how other people decompress when they've had a full day.  Do you have special rituals or activities that bring you down from a full day?  Have you had to make decisions to cut work or social life because you may have lost some perspective on family time? 

Great Money Read!

I have waited for this book to come in at the library for weeks.  It's finally here!  Through all the reading I've been doing lately on voluntary simplicity, the names Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin have come up repeatedly.  I feel like they are the mom and pop of the VS movement, and I really ought to read their stuff.  So, here I am, with a somewhat dog-eared and beaten copy of their illustrious book, a 1999 edition (I've just learned they have a new one out this past year - well, she does, he has passed on).  I'm so excited, I can hardly crack the pages.  But here I go...  I love it already.  They dedicated the book to ...ME!  And to you and all your hard-working, eco-friendly friends.  The dedication reads: "We dedicate this book to all of the people who are actively engaged in leaving our planet in better shape than they found it".  Yes, that sound like me!

In looking beyond the dedication and into the table of contents, I read, "Chapter 1.  The Money Trap: The Old Road Map for Money.  How much have you earned in your life? and (I love this one) How much do you have to show for it?"

But it gets even better.  "Chapter 2.  Money Ain't What it Used to Be.  How much are you trading your life energy for?  and Keep track of every cent that comes into or goes out of your life."

This book was the catalyst for people deciding not to spend their lives working but working on spending their lives living.  They ask the very poignant question: Do you really want to keep working to pay for that new house, car, boat, vacation (insert the name of any large ticket item here) or would you rather do without or with less and work less as well.  Now, I don't want to give the impression that I am unhappy with my line of work.  However, if you asked me whether I would like to spend my days doing something else, I would say yes.  I would like to do so many other things:

• Spend more time enjoying my children before they are too old to want me around
• Give time to my community
• Create art with recycled materials
• Build a garden to feed my family
• Write stories for children
• Publish music for children
• Write a cookbook for special diets
  

In order to be able to do these things, I will either have to 1) win the lottery - fat chance since I never play the lottery, 2) retire - not gonna happen at my current base of pay/expenses, or 3) cut my working hours in correlation with cutting my expenses so I can be flexible with my time.  I like what's behind door number 3.

I'm excited to get into this book.  If you can get your hands on one, why don't you read it along with me and we'll compare notes?

Have you found a way to be flexible with your time to do the things you like best?

Summer Already?

Snow is still on the ground, but we’re thinking of summer already. In this area, January and February are the months we have to start looking into summer camps. It amazes me when this time of year comes around and I am barely getting over the holidays, let alone starting to think of summer. Go into any big box store, and I bet you $10 you’ll find the beginnings of swimsuits hitting the racks. Why is it that life needs to stay a few steps ahead of us? What’s wrong with signing kids up for summer camp in May? The camps don’t begin until June, so what’s the rush? And what about those swimsuits? Are the retailers assuming we’ll be so busy with summer camp that we can’t get to the stores during the warmer months? Try to find a good winter coat or pair of boots this time of year. Good luck. But a swimsuit? No problem. Better get it now, or they’ll be gone by the time you actually need it. Of course there’s no wearing it until 6 months from now, and who knows what will happen to your body by then.

So my boys are listing out their choices for summer camp like their gift lists from last month. And you’d think their last name was Rockefeller or Kennedy by the prices of the camps they want. So for five long weeks, we have to shell out a tidy sum for basketball, soccer, archery, etc. Where have the days gone when kids were able to run around outside all summer, leaving home in the morning, and not seen again until evening? What happened to lazy days swimming, biking, exploring?

It’s incredible how much our societal expectations have changed, determined by the economy and parents’ need to be in the work force. I know for our family, if I didn’t have to work, I would be spending those five weeks with my kids, helping them find great tree-climbing and cave-hunting experiences. But ask any family around here and you’ll find folks who have to work in order to stay afloat, and consequently, have to put their kids in camp to keep them busy and safe for the summer. It’s just expected that the kids go to camp, for at least 4, 6 and sometimes 8 full weeks. In fact, if I find a family that is not using a summer camp, I stop and ask what they are doing instead. It has become the exception rather than the norm to have a laid back, summery, summer. We just didn’t have to think about this stuff a few years ago.

Do you have summer plans for your family that vary from the norm? Share them here!

The Big Picture

After speaking with my sister this evening, it dawned on me that simplifying my life will not take place unless I keep the bigger picture in mind.  Somehow, we get dragged down by the moment by moment rush of daily life - the laundry, the meals, the phone calls, the emails, the job, and oh yeah, gotta take care of the kids, the carpool, the PTO meeting, the potluck...the list is endless.

Part of why I started this blog several days ago is because I was losing sight of the big picture.  Why are we here, day to day, going through the motions like they meant something?  Why are we trudging through our daily tasks with a sense of dread and foreboding without ever looking at our shining horizons?  They are there.  I know they are there.  

The amazing part of all of this, is it was my big sister reminding me about the big picture.  My sister, who has bravely marched along the path of cancer survivor for the past 6 months, is the one who tells ME to relax and look at the big picture.  She has learned so much as she struggled with the truth that her body was fighting itself.  She has learned so much she even has wisdom to spare on the day she receives her 5th chemo treatment.  She has learned to find the big picture even when feeling like her insides were being burned out, losing her eyebrows, losing her appetite, feeling pulled from her family.  I listen to her wisdom -wisdom that she has no idea she even has - and it's as if I hear the bigger picture talking.  It says, 'Remember why you are here.  It's not the laundry, the groceries, the playdates, the phone calls, the mortgage.  It's to find the ones you love and share how you feel.  Let them in.  And rejoice in every moment, laundry, dishes, job and all.  You are here.'

I have alot to learn from this picture.  And from what I can see, it's colors change every day, but the message stays the same.

Be here.  Today.

Love Your Children

When was the last time you told your kid(s) how amazing they were?  

When was the last time they blew you away with humorous, intelligent comments?

When was the last time you put down what you were doing to just BE with them?

I have to say, I can't answer the above questions the way I really want to.  My life has been so busy, and I have let myself be so distracted with busy-ness, that I neglect these simple things. These are the things I will look back and regret.  More than not having the beautiful farmhouse with the perfect garden.  More than not being able to purchase a fine hybrid right out of the showroom.  More than not having my cherry red, matching, front-loading washer and dryer.

I pushed the envelope with my kids tonight, needing them to be patient as we unexpectedly drove for what seemed like hours in traffic, trying to get my husband to an appointment during rush hour just outside of Boston.  Not one complaint or issue as we drove on and on, red light after red light... they were tired (I heard the yawns) and hungry (and the tummy rumbles), and yet they hung in there, somehow knowing we had to get where we were going and complaining wouldn't help.  I love how kids do know when to pull up their boot straps and carry on through the murky waters of young-adulthood.  Out of nowhere they find patience and understanding, even if their West Coast Mama was driving like a maniac through East Coast Mayhem, yelling like a banshee.

But one look in the rear view mirror told me everything would be ok, whether we got there on time or not.  Both boys, smiling back at me (I think my truck-driver hollering amused them. I've been told I can also do a pretty good grandma imitation...).

Are you able to look at your kids and know they are getting exactly what they need from you?