Coming Back Into Focus

Do you know the feeling when you somersault underwater, then come out of it not knowing which way is up and out into the fresh air? I have become quite familiar with that feeling over this past month. When several issues hit at once, that were frustrating, eye-opening and concerning, I had to find my way to fresh air. During that process, I stopped writing on my blog. I stopped, mostly because I had nothing to share. I had put aside my urge to check in with everyone, and to share things I was thinking about. I gave myself time to define my priorities, and to let go of those things that were no longer important.

I have made several discoveries about myself over the past month. I have learned that taking care of my family, my home, my body and my money are all priorities. Not that they weren't in the past, but I have reached absolute bottom with each of these areas lately, that I had to stare each one in the face long and hard to discover how I was going to pursue a comfortable standard for myself. Just how clean is clean? Just how much money needs to be in savings to feel secure? What foods make me feel sick and what make me feel better? How hard do I push for my kids to be involved in after school activities - or homework? How about family respect? Do I demand it at every turn?

My sister, Lisa discovered more cancer in her breast (pectoral) muscle - from the side that the initial tumors were removed. I never considered this would happen. Why? I knew it could. However, I knew what 'clean margins' meant - and when the doctors announced that they 'got it all' with the initial surgery, I never questioned it. I subscribed to the magic carpet that carried us all right out of harm's way and into the land of healing. I should have known better. But I just so desperately wanted to take a deep breath - I wanted to be certain Lisa would be fine forever. So when she called me with the new pathology report a few weeks ago, I felt all the trauma of the first cancer phone call over a year ago. Me, at a laundromat during one of my washer-break-down days, trying to shove the clothes into the dryer, putting quarters into the machine with blurry, tear-filled eyes. The quarters kept falling to the floor, and me, swearing under my breath. I wasn't angry at those quarters, but at life. At the ridiculous cosmos for causing my sister pain and anguish.

So you see, I had to step aside from this blog, from certain areas in my life that were taking considerable time and effort that I just didn't feel I could afford to give. I stopped creating art, making music for fun, enjoying friends, laughing. So many things stopped making sense, and I had to figure it out. Not really a depression, but a serious focusing to get clear on life and how I really want to live mine. I can't stop my sister's cancer. I can't change the housing market. I can't force my children to love school. I can't pay the bills unless I go to work. Looking at all of this with a positive light, I can learn more about breast cancer, to be pro-active rather than frightened. I can keep my house tidy until the right time comes to sell it. I can extend my kids' educational experiences by offering more museum trips and adventures that relate to their curriculum. I can find a way to de-stress at work, providing myself enough space to enjoy what I do and the people I work with.

And I can keep finding time to do the things I love, to keep everything in perspective.

I wish you all well.

A Day of Reflection

What does it mean to be mindfully simple in today's world?  In looking back at my reasons for starting this blog, I revisited my vow to make life for myself and my family a bit more thoughtful, more kind and more generous in a non-financial manner.  I wanted to find ways to give of our time and energy without leaving us exhausted and broke.  I wanted to find ways to involve our children in our community, to help them feel firmly planted in something real that you didn't have to turn on with a switch.  What I find challenging is balancing all that good thinking with the actuality of raising a family, holding down a couple of jobs and trying desperately to keep my head above water at all times.  (How do other people do this?)

First, I took a hard look at my habits for time management.  Knowing I wanted to retire early, I have been making plans to hold on to as much money that we bring in as possible.  In order to bring in more with little time spent, I have had to piggy back a few jobs, working harder for shorter periods of time rather than spreading work out over the whole week.  In this way, I can spend more time in the afternoons with my kids and feel that I am a steady presence in their lives.  After that, I looked at how I keep our home.  A while back, I complained that I am a rotten housekeeper.  I hate wasting my time on keeping our messes cleaned up - always have.  There's always something more exciting to do than fold laundry.  However, I really do love a clean house, and hate the embarrassment of friends stopping by unannounced, so we have jumped into super organized mode at our house for the past 4 weeks.  We have pulled out the stops to get the house and yard pulled together - not bad after living here for 10 years.  Where there were no curtains, we now have lovely and colorful cloths that shade our rooms.  Where there was a pile of styrofoam and packing materials, we now have a clean and clear closet.  Our camping equipment is within easy and organized reach for our inexpensive summer jaunts.  Our dressers hold only seasonal clothing, with the rest packed neatly away for the next turn or New England weather.  Coming home to less clutter makes me want to (gulp) vacuum.  I'm serious.  

Over the past few weekends, I have made sure I found time to garden. I find it so meditating, it is imperative that I get out in the yard regularly, no matter how chaotic our lives feel.  It is also so important that I be able to add to my family's diet by providing nutritious, organic vegetables.  My yard is not quite suitable for all this growing what with all the shade and such, so I am investing all my gardening energy into the new deck as my canvas.  With some coaxing, I think I can produce enough produce to keep our food costs low this summer.  

Beyond this, I am finding more time to consider community service for my family.  There are wonderful websites that offer connections to get started in volunteerism, even for children.  It takes some time to get started, but it is well worth the wait, I am sure.  I notice that just about every magazine I pick up these days has some article (or more) about living green.  It bothers me that our current economy situation has fueled a craze to 'go green' - bothered me because although it is high time someone notice the condition of our global economy, I know these things tend to blow over when the next fad bows in.  I suppose I have the same fear about my own new habits, but I hope they are all unfounded.

What are your reasons for living mindfully?  What makes you choose to be more careful each day with your purchases, diet, thoughts?

I Think I Figured It Out!

I have to celebrate.  I have made a revelation about my time and my expectations.  Typically, at this time of year, I make a list, either mental or physical, of all the things I 'need' to get accomplished, it being Spring and all.  Most of the time, it included clean up the yard, plant the garden, clean out the basement, etc, etc.  I would then get overwhelmed and exhausted, just considering my list, and quit.  This year, tired of never getting past the first thing on my handy list, I decided to take things much slower.  It wasn't really a conscious decision, more of an accident, then the revelation.  I went to the garden store last weekend and vowed not to purchase more than a couple of flowers and maybe a tomato plant.  You may recall from this post, that I love to go to the Gore Estate sale, but I have not yet been able to make it (coming up this weekend - hurray!!).  Knowing that I would have time to plant this past weekend and not having been to Gore yet, I snuck off to the local garden store to grab a few lovelies to tie me over until the plant sale this weekend.  And instead of coming home with armloads (and trunkloads) of plants as usual, I came home with what I said I would: a patio tomato, some foliage plants and a petunia.  I was able to get them all into soil that afternoon without feeling overwhelmed.  

Last weekend, as you may recall from this recent post, we were able to score some old chairs from a 'free' pile after a yard sale.  I promised a post on the project I had in my head, and here it is.  

I have seen this idea a few times in gardening magazines, and I always said if I found one of these antique chairs without a seat, I would do this project.  And of course, this past weekend gave me the exact tools to proceed.  I gathered my chair, weathered beautifully, some organic potting mix, a basket planter I had lying around, and assorted plants.  I chose to go with only foliage plants, with interesting color, but you could use anything that caught your eye.

It was SO simple - put the plants in the basket with extra soil, place the basket in the seat.  But although simple, it makes a dramatic impact - don't you think?

Here are a few other things I have planted this week:

These are the baby bush cucumbers in an old washtub-

These are more foliage plants in an old cooking pot (last year I put tomatoes in it as a little joke.  I may have been the only one who noticed...).

And here is my first attempt at basket and moss wall planting, with a planter picked up for .50 at a yard sale last year.  It will be interesting to see if the petunias live all summer as when I water, the water comes running out the sides.  They still look good, though, four days later, so they must be getting something!
Perhaps as the season progresses, I will update you all on how these projects and others are coming along.  I have plans to go to the Gore sale this weekend - do you think I can stick to my small is better approach at a once a year heirloom plant sale??  Time will tell.

Do you have garden projects that you want to share?  If you email me your pictures, I will post them here!  And check out the makeovers on Sanctuary Arts At Home

Keeping the Balls in the Air

When I was in Vietnam recently, I vowed that I would not come home to a stressful, busy life.  Well, I've been home for just over a week, and I'm already swimming.  It's mostly due to my boys going in opposite directions, but I have to say I think it boils down to organization.  For example, had I put it on the calendar, I would have planned for the concert tonight. Both boys play horns in the school bands, and are required to wear white shirts and black pants.  Well, you'd think we had plenty of those lying around, but gosh darn it, these boys are going to be giants with the way they've been growing!  Several weeks ago, I decided to get our clothing at the thrift store, and for the most part totally enjoy that.  But today, I didn't have the time to search rack after rack for the necessary white/black combinations and couldn't come up empty handed.  So off to Target I went.  And what a speedy-gonzales shopping trip that was.  So then we have a fencing (the 3 Muskateers kind, not the pasture kind) tournament this weekend.  I have to basically find every piece of paper that says my younger son is really who he says he is, in addition to every official fencing paper we've ever received, just to fence for the day.  My goodness - I went through less red tape just to get to Vietnam for 2 weeks.  Yikes - the kid's just going to fence!  well, if you've seen my filing system, you'd know I pretty much don't have one.  So surprise, surprise.  It takes me much, much longer than it should to find anything paperwork oriented.  I can feel the balls just dancing over my head - I just hope they won't drop.  As a mother, I hold so much pertinent information way up in my head.  going to Vietnam meant I had to write much of it down to help my husband make heads or tails of the schedule, etc.  I was pretty amazed at how much I - all of us, really - do to make each day happen.  So I'm wondering, what one thing can I do to make tomorrow easier?  I can make lunches tonight.  So that's what I will do.  This will allow me just one more moment to spend with my family - maybe one more cup of decaf will help me celebrate another day.  How about you - what are you doing to make your day a little easier?

Saying Goodbye to Vietnam

My trip to Vietnam is coming to a close.  And I miss my family terribly, but I will miss this country as well.  The friends, the food, the combined pace of crazy traffic versus leisurely living have all burned a place in my mind as things I can learn from.  The picture above says so much to me.  This will be a picture to hang on my wall.  I want to remember these people who do so much with so little.  What we normally spend in one sitting at a middle-of-the-road restaurant back home is a weekly salary for a well-paid teacher.  Yet as much as I want to remember this experience and have it help me make good decisions back home, I also wonder how long will it be before I return to my old ways of living: spending money without considering the real costs, wasting food, and making mindless trips in the car for errands I could have lumped together to save both time and money.  How long before this wonderful experience becomes a faded memory?  How long before I just smile and shake my head at the fact that I bought a gourmet meal for 6 people for under $20?  

Can we really make long-standing changes to our behavior when these habits are old and strong?  How challenging will this be when we live in a culture that moves against the changes we are trying to make, and voluntarily living carefully is against the norm, and living mindfully is not chic or even understood.  It makes no difference to me if people agree with or like the way I want to live.  But it does make a difference to me if society makes it more challenging.  Luckily, I live in a world where I can make the choice of what is most important to me and my family.

Thinking this over, I have decided on the following changes I would like to work on:

• Look at the real reason for stress in my life and decrease it.
• Understand and get to the root of 'what is the real issue?' during difficult situations.
• Understand the 'real cost' of things before I buy them.
• Understand the need for rest, and recognize the difference between being rested and pushing myself too hard.
• Remind myself to be alone for periods of every day, just to be alone.
• Continue to eat dinner for breakfast - I love Pho!
  

So there's my list.  What's yours??

My teaching is finished and now I have a little time to see some of Vietnam before flying to the West Coast to visit family.  I have enjoyed teaching 26 lovely teachers, who are representatives of several schools for blind children.  I witnessed a beautiful concert in our honor this morning that brought me to tears.  20 blind students, all around 14-18 years old, stood in the auditorium to share the most beautiful, traditional Vietnamese music.  Huge drums and stringed instruments accompanied their amazing voices, as I stood in the back and basically wiped my eyes the entire time.  It was not only the music that was so moving for me.  It was the whole experience.  To come from such a privileged place - the US - and not to have thought I was so privileged.  

Of course, I'm not rolling in the dough.  I have a hard time 'making it' just like the next family.  Most months, my paychecks don't stretch far enough.  But here was a group of people who live in extreme poverty, but had the richness in their lives to come together to make incredible music.  And here they were giving their gift of music to us in appreciation for what WE did this week.  I felt both honored and very small at the same time.

Yesterday, I saw people living in the gutters as we drove around in the school van.  I saw men hanging hammocks from the trees along the street at night as their place of rest - just around the corner from my hotel.  When you purchase things, you are expected to haggle.  They jack up the price for foreigners, and it is expected that they will be bargained with.  But every time I do it, I keep thinking - this item is costing me $5.  At home it would be $25.  I should just give them the extra money.  But my colleagues assure me that it would be wrong.  And I suppose I understand.

Somehow, I need to bring this experience home with me as a way to be much more appreciative of my warm bed, car to drive, home and garden, steady job.  I don't have to live on the streets, nor will my children.  I can travel to foreign countries and visit new sights.  I can go to school to advance my education, or I can choose to change my occupation.  I can even change my life structure to include more time off with my family.  I have many choices which my new Vietnamese friends do not have.  And the biggest lesson I have to learn is that even with less, even with 15 people living under one roof, even with crazy traffic in a huge city, even with hardly enough food to feed their family - these folks are happy, social, loving and highly intelligent.  Happier and kinder people I have never met.  Every street corner has someone laughing, smiling or chatting away with someone else.  It has been a truly rich experience.  One that will live with me for a long time.

On the tightrope with cat like reflexes...

I just love animals.  I feel at peace around them, and I often wonder what it would be like to be one.  I watch our cats, curious to know what they think, how they feel about us.  Do they feel differently toward us individually or just see us all as feeders, petters and let-outters?  I have always felt this way toward animals.  We raised animals as I grew up, a real gentleman's farm, though I didn't know it was called that at the time.  We had sheep, goats, chickens, ducks, a turkey, horses a pony and dogs and cats.  This is pretty much the only life I knew.  No wonder I keep trying to get back to it in my adulthood.

We have far from a farm currently, though I suppose you could call it an urban farm: 2 cats, a gecko, 2 guinea pigs and a rabbit.  Due to the cold weather, our rabbit is in the house - in the kitchen, to be exact.  When I first thought about putting George there, I thought I would really hate the smell and fur all around the food we eat.  But, with regular cleaning, he doesn't smell, and has become a wonderful addition to our home inside.  I will miss him if we decide to put him back outside in the spring.  He has this quiet, thoughtful expression that I love.  He watches us all as we bustle about.  And though I hate that he has to be caged, he doesn't seem to mind.  He gets excited as we come close to his door, hoping we will gift him with the sweetest of red grapes left over from lunch.  Then he plops down for a nap - something a bunny only does when completely comfortable with his surroundings.

But if I could be an animal, I would be a cat.  I would like to move around soundlessly, with a coat of sleek, shiny fur.  It would be nice to be pampered, though I think the independence of the cat is what is alluring to me.  To be able to go where I want, when I want, sleep, eat, lounge and visit when it appealed to me...on my clock...on my terms.  I think this is what is so motivating to me about living more simply.  The more I read about life energy (how many hours I have to work in order to pay for expenses), the more I understand how important it is to take things a little less seriously (the amount of time spent working), a little more calculated (budget) and a little more, well, cat like.  Not that I want to lounge about every day being petted and fed like the best of our feline friends. But I do want to spend less time filling the 'I wants' and the 'I needs' and looking toward more peaceful tranquility.  Not a care in the world for a piece of every day sounds like a treasure to me.  Our cats practice this all the time.  Why should it be so challenging?

If you could be an animal, what would you choose to be?

Who's Time is it Anyway?

What a day!   Those of you who take care of others already know how hard it is to get some time for yourself, I don't have to tell you.  But wow.  Today, I feel like there was absolutely no time to breathe.  Absolutely. No. Time.  I was running here and there for work, then here and there for my kids - picking this one up, putting him there.  Picking that one up and taking him there.  A seemingly never-ending process that has landed me, at 10:30 pm, on the couch to finally take a moment for me.  

I started reading "The Simple Life" by Frank Levering and Wanda Urbanski earlier (ok, so I guess I did get a few minutes to read...) and it makes my head swim with grand ideas.  I have just barely scratched the surface of their journal about moving from crazy-busy LA to the quieter, more humane orchards of Virginia.  Although the story is set in the 80's, I am able to get a sense of what it was like for them to throw in the towel on their jet-setting life and turn instead to family and a slower pace.  Being that they came to the family farm to take over the debt-laden orchard business, they speak about having to cut spending habits developed in the big city to stay afloat.  

Another reason this couple decided to take a hike from southern California is that they were so busy trying to keep up with everyone else that they forgot to take care of their own relationship.  Within all the bustle of glamor-life, they lost their sense of self and reasons for being together.  I can't say I work the 60-70 hour work weeks that they did, but I must say I can relate.  

Isn't it always the relationship closest to each of us that suffers the most?  When we were growing up, my sister and I would fight like cats and dogs.  Over anything.  She took my shirt.  She looked at me funny.  She spilled glue on my homework.  Her stuff is touching my stuff.  I still remember my mother hollering "Girls!" up the stairs as we would launch into yet another crazy tirade.  But the funny things is, I think we always knew our relationship was safe because you can't divorce your sister.  Ultimately, we always knew that we'd get over whatever made us so mad, and we'd be sort-of friends again.  But as the closest person to me, I loved to hate her.  Thankfully, we both grew out of that fighting stage, and now I adore her.

So this makes me think about how I behave when I'm most tired now.  Can I be assured that my loving family gets my patient attention?  Can I justify all of my time away working as well as my time at home too exhausted to participate in family activities?  Is the payoff worth it?  This brings me to wonder how other people decompress when they've had a full day.  Do you have special rituals or activities that bring you down from a full day?  Have you had to make decisions to cut work or social life because you may have lost some perspective on family time? 

Great Money Read!

I have waited for this book to come in at the library for weeks.  It's finally here!  Through all the reading I've been doing lately on voluntary simplicity, the names Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin have come up repeatedly.  I feel like they are the mom and pop of the VS movement, and I really ought to read their stuff.  So, here I am, with a somewhat dog-eared and beaten copy of their illustrious book, a 1999 edition (I've just learned they have a new one out this past year - well, she does, he has passed on).  I'm so excited, I can hardly crack the pages.  But here I go...  I love it already.  They dedicated the book to ...ME!  And to you and all your hard-working, eco-friendly friends.  The dedication reads: "We dedicate this book to all of the people who are actively engaged in leaving our planet in better shape than they found it".  Yes, that sound like me!

In looking beyond the dedication and into the table of contents, I read, "Chapter 1.  The Money Trap: The Old Road Map for Money.  How much have you earned in your life? and (I love this one) How much do you have to show for it?"

But it gets even better.  "Chapter 2.  Money Ain't What it Used to Be.  How much are you trading your life energy for?  and Keep track of every cent that comes into or goes out of your life."

This book was the catalyst for people deciding not to spend their lives working but working on spending their lives living.  They ask the very poignant question: Do you really want to keep working to pay for that new house, car, boat, vacation (insert the name of any large ticket item here) or would you rather do without or with less and work less as well.  Now, I don't want to give the impression that I am unhappy with my line of work.  However, if you asked me whether I would like to spend my days doing something else, I would say yes.  I would like to do so many other things:

• Spend more time enjoying my children before they are too old to want me around
• Give time to my community
• Create art with recycled materials
• Build a garden to feed my family
• Write stories for children
• Publish music for children
• Write a cookbook for special diets
  

In order to be able to do these things, I will either have to 1) win the lottery - fat chance since I never play the lottery, 2) retire - not gonna happen at my current base of pay/expenses, or 3) cut my working hours in correlation with cutting my expenses so I can be flexible with my time.  I like what's behind door number 3.

I'm excited to get into this book.  If you can get your hands on one, why don't you read it along with me and we'll compare notes?

Have you found a way to be flexible with your time to do the things you like best?

Bombs Away!

Ok, so not my best attempt at baking gluten-free bread.  I used my bread machine, and my own (meaning in my head) recipe and ended up with a flop.  But, you know, I'm ok with that.  Do you know that cookbook authors typically have at least 10 flops before they get their winner?  And to top it off, mine IS edible - I had some lovely toast from it for breakfast.  It just doesn't look so good.  Following a recipe for bread machines would certainly help, so I will do that later today.  I found 2 good ones in Carol Fenster's Gluten Free cookbook.  

I think once life settles down a bit, I will package up my gluten free mixes to make my baking run smoother.  Something that overwhelms me a bit when I face cooking from scratch is the amount of time I spend mixing these gluten free flours and ingredients.  I've been gluten free for almost 2 years, and I still have trouble being patient with all the new ways I have to cook.  It was so easy with plain old flour and water, yeast and salt.  So making my own mixes for cookies, muffins, bread and pancakes will ease my life considerably.

Do you have a favorite cooking tip?

Summer Already?

Snow is still on the ground, but we’re thinking of summer already. In this area, January and February are the months we have to start looking into summer camps. It amazes me when this time of year comes around and I am barely getting over the holidays, let alone starting to think of summer. Go into any big box store, and I bet you $10 you’ll find the beginnings of swimsuits hitting the racks. Why is it that life needs to stay a few steps ahead of us? What’s wrong with signing kids up for summer camp in May? The camps don’t begin until June, so what’s the rush? And what about those swimsuits? Are the retailers assuming we’ll be so busy with summer camp that we can’t get to the stores during the warmer months? Try to find a good winter coat or pair of boots this time of year. Good luck. But a swimsuit? No problem. Better get it now, or they’ll be gone by the time you actually need it. Of course there’s no wearing it until 6 months from now, and who knows what will happen to your body by then.

So my boys are listing out their choices for summer camp like their gift lists from last month. And you’d think their last name was Rockefeller or Kennedy by the prices of the camps they want. So for five long weeks, we have to shell out a tidy sum for basketball, soccer, archery, etc. Where have the days gone when kids were able to run around outside all summer, leaving home in the morning, and not seen again until evening? What happened to lazy days swimming, biking, exploring?

It’s incredible how much our societal expectations have changed, determined by the economy and parents’ need to be in the work force. I know for our family, if I didn’t have to work, I would be spending those five weeks with my kids, helping them find great tree-climbing and cave-hunting experiences. But ask any family around here and you’ll find folks who have to work in order to stay afloat, and consequently, have to put their kids in camp to keep them busy and safe for the summer. It’s just expected that the kids go to camp, for at least 4, 6 and sometimes 8 full weeks. In fact, if I find a family that is not using a summer camp, I stop and ask what they are doing instead. It has become the exception rather than the norm to have a laid back, summery, summer. We just didn’t have to think about this stuff a few years ago.

Do you have summer plans for your family that vary from the norm? Share them here!

Love Your Children

When was the last time you told your kid(s) how amazing they were?  

When was the last time they blew you away with humorous, intelligent comments?

When was the last time you put down what you were doing to just BE with them?

I have to say, I can't answer the above questions the way I really want to.  My life has been so busy, and I have let myself be so distracted with busy-ness, that I neglect these simple things. These are the things I will look back and regret.  More than not having the beautiful farmhouse with the perfect garden.  More than not being able to purchase a fine hybrid right out of the showroom.  More than not having my cherry red, matching, front-loading washer and dryer.

I pushed the envelope with my kids tonight, needing them to be patient as we unexpectedly drove for what seemed like hours in traffic, trying to get my husband to an appointment during rush hour just outside of Boston.  Not one complaint or issue as we drove on and on, red light after red light... they were tired (I heard the yawns) and hungry (and the tummy rumbles), and yet they hung in there, somehow knowing we had to get where we were going and complaining wouldn't help.  I love how kids do know when to pull up their boot straps and carry on through the murky waters of young-adulthood.  Out of nowhere they find patience and understanding, even if their West Coast Mama was driving like a maniac through East Coast Mayhem, yelling like a banshee.

But one look in the rear view mirror told me everything would be ok, whether we got there on time or not.  Both boys, smiling back at me (I think my truck-driver hollering amused them. I've been told I can also do a pretty good grandma imitation...).

Are you able to look at your kids and know they are getting exactly what they need from you?