Coming Back Into Focus

Do you know the feeling when you somersault underwater, then come out of it not knowing which way is up and out into the fresh air? I have become quite familiar with that feeling over this past month. When several issues hit at once, that were frustrating, eye-opening and concerning, I had to find my way to fresh air. During that process, I stopped writing on my blog. I stopped, mostly because I had nothing to share. I had put aside my urge to check in with everyone, and to share things I was thinking about. I gave myself time to define my priorities, and to let go of those things that were no longer important.

I have made several discoveries about myself over the past month. I have learned that taking care of my family, my home, my body and my money are all priorities. Not that they weren't in the past, but I have reached absolute bottom with each of these areas lately, that I had to stare each one in the face long and hard to discover how I was going to pursue a comfortable standard for myself. Just how clean is clean? Just how much money needs to be in savings to feel secure? What foods make me feel sick and what make me feel better? How hard do I push for my kids to be involved in after school activities - or homework? How about family respect? Do I demand it at every turn?

My sister, Lisa discovered more cancer in her breast (pectoral) muscle - from the side that the initial tumors were removed. I never considered this would happen. Why? I knew it could. However, I knew what 'clean margins' meant - and when the doctors announced that they 'got it all' with the initial surgery, I never questioned it. I subscribed to the magic carpet that carried us all right out of harm's way and into the land of healing. I should have known better. But I just so desperately wanted to take a deep breath - I wanted to be certain Lisa would be fine forever. So when she called me with the new pathology report a few weeks ago, I felt all the trauma of the first cancer phone call over a year ago. Me, at a laundromat during one of my washer-break-down days, trying to shove the clothes into the dryer, putting quarters into the machine with blurry, tear-filled eyes. The quarters kept falling to the floor, and me, swearing under my breath. I wasn't angry at those quarters, but at life. At the ridiculous cosmos for causing my sister pain and anguish.

So you see, I had to step aside from this blog, from certain areas in my life that were taking considerable time and effort that I just didn't feel I could afford to give. I stopped creating art, making music for fun, enjoying friends, laughing. So many things stopped making sense, and I had to figure it out. Not really a depression, but a serious focusing to get clear on life and how I really want to live mine. I can't stop my sister's cancer. I can't change the housing market. I can't force my children to love school. I can't pay the bills unless I go to work. Looking at all of this with a positive light, I can learn more about breast cancer, to be pro-active rather than frightened. I can keep my house tidy until the right time comes to sell it. I can extend my kids' educational experiences by offering more museum trips and adventures that relate to their curriculum. I can find a way to de-stress at work, providing myself enough space to enjoy what I do and the people I work with.

And I can keep finding time to do the things I love, to keep everything in perspective.

I wish you all well.

Finding Time for Creativity

I have started to make it a priority to be creative. It's funny, because in my job, 5 days a week, I am a music therapist, creating music each and every moment - improvising much of the time. You could definitely say it was a creative job. However, I often feel as though there is a creative spark left untended. My assumption is this is due to the fact that at work, I am making music for others, my clients - basically becoming their vehicle for expression through music. It really isn't my music being created, it is theirs.

So the itch to make something out of my own thought process, my own light and color has been gnawing at me for a long time. I have only just begun to give this gnaw a voice, and I thought it would be fun to share some of it with you.

I started making notecards, mainly because when I receive a hand-made card, I think, "I could do that." So I thought - get to it, girl! Below are two examples of watercolor based cards that I began playing with. As a child, I had the pleasure (though didn't think it so at the time) of taking watercolor painting lessons from both the late Maulsby Kimball and Allston Hegg, both fantastic and impressive individuals in the Waldorf art community, not to mention amazing artists. My parents thought it best if my sister and I learned how to paint from the masters, and though I was not too thrilled to give up my Saturday afternoons at the time, feel quite grateful for it now.

Being a musician and not a visual artist for many years, I certainly need a refresher, but it was just lovely to get my fingers around the brushes again. I must say that it was after finding The Waldorf Way, that I finally found my watercolors and sat down to give it a shot. My humble beginnings are just that... humble.

I have truly enjoyed several blogs about needle felting (The Magic Onions, Felt Musings from Sycamore Moon), feel inspired by the beauty that comes from their hands. And though I am just dabbling in the medium, I can begin to understand why wool is so fascinating to work with. It's a bit like music, actually - maleable, with so many possibilities. Below is my first tiny fairy and a bell ball for the cats:

I have branched out from beading, though I have continued with that, and have started making funky earrings. And I know that knitting something special is in my near future. I have loved looking over what Linda at Natural Suburbia has been making with her children. Perhaps I should stick to music for a living... yes. Yet I get so much joy from making things these days, that I'm fine with ending up with shelves and boxes of little trinkets that came from some momentary bit of inspiration, not serving any other purpose than that.

With music, once you hear it, it only consciously lives on in your head. (It does move into your body, your soul, but that's for another lengthy conversation altogether, and definitely over some sort of hot drink). With art, you actually touch what you made. You get to hold it, revisit it, reshape it, and be fascinated with it again tomorrow. I feel like a whole new world opened up to me, and being that I am teaching myself, I feel slightly infantile in the process. No longer can I depend on years of having honed the artistic process, as I have with music. I cannot depend on anything at all, except that spirit which guides my eyes and hands. I hear you all saying, "practice, practice, practice" much as my mother did between my piano lessons, and I reply - "I will". I thank you all for your tremendous inspiration and amazing talent. It spreads farther than you know!

I Have an Etsy Shop!

I decided to take the plunge. I opened my Etsy shop - Mindful Hands just this past weekend. I have spent the past few months beading jewelry and making various little crafts, only a select few of which I have listed in my shop so far. I beg your honesty, patience and understanding as this is so very new for me, and I don't quite have the hang of it just yet. Any folks who have some tips on how to make the whole process move smoother, please don't be shy - share your tips with me!

Check it out, and come back again soon. I am making new things almost everyday. There will be handmade gift cards, knitted items, and of course, more jewelry, coming soon.

And don't forget! Leave a comment for the giveaway - deadline is this Thursday evening, 10 pm EST.