A Sad Act, A Kind Response

I have something to share with you all.

You know, typically I try to be light-hearted, silly and sometimes downright ridiculous with some of my posts, trying to inject some humor into our lives as we aim to do what's best for our families, and for ourselves. But today, I am saddened and frustrated by an act of wrong-doing in my community, and feel the need to share the information. I'm sharing not because I don't want to be alone in this frustration, no. I am sharing because I believe this insensitive and callous act is occurring all over our country. I have the sense that some people are too uncomfortable to talk about it, or don't feel they can make a difference, or perhaps feel so awkward with the subject matter that they prefer to look away, or keep quiet. But I am taking a bold step to speak about it here, with hopes that I am reaching out to a sensitive and empathic audience.

The act I am referring to is the recent burning of a rainbow flag at a church in my community. The flag was burned during the night, with only the charred remains left at the front step for all to find the next morning. No one knows who did this heinous act.

The rainbow flag stands for equality in my heart. Overall, it specifically stands for the acceptance of individuals who are lesbian/gay/bisexual or transgender. At this church, along with this typical representation, the flag stands as a welcome for all who enter. We are all different. We choose different paths, we show different colors, both in skin tones, and thoughts. We make decisions based on what we feel is best and from the perspective of our upbringing, our home-life and community. In no way do we all need to agree on every choice, but we do need to find a way to live, work, be together.

I know there are people in our world who feel that being anything other than heterosexual is wrong. And though this fact saddens me tremendously, the point of this post is not to open a debate on sexual preference. What I struggle with is the fact that there are individuals who feel that burning a flag, a flag that stands for independence, trust, acceptance, equality for ALL humans, is a worthwhile activity.

Apparently, this is happening outside other churches - in Massachusetts and other states. Such widespread anger and hostility toward the very idea that there could be a safe place for all individuals is mind boggling. Although I can't sit out at the church, watching for who comes to burn the new flag, I can stand up to the fact that individuals are being made to feel unsafe in my community by a senseless act of only a few. I can write about it, speak about it, and remind my children how these violent acts terrorize us all. I can understand how these acts generally come from a place of ignorance and fear, rather than anything rooted in reality.

In an act of support, my family has hung a rainbow flag outside our home. It is my town's hope that by hanging numerous flags throughout our neighborhoods, we will be displaying our support of the church, the individuals it serves, and the LGBT community. My hope is that we will increase the awareness of anyone traveling through that we will not accept acts of violence toward anyone, no matter what differences we may have between us.

I challenge you all to look into your hearts and find that place which wants to welcome everyone in. Consider speaking to others from that place. Making one person feel safe is one hundred times better than letting someone else bring terrorism into our hearts, even if we do not agree.

The Importance of Setting Goals

I have been working toward improvement in several areas of my life: losing weight, gaining health, keeping a cleaner house, paying bills on time, etc.  But when I tackle all of these growth areas at once, especially without a plan, I get easily overwhelmed, and pretty much nothing gets done.  What seems to help is setting goals.  In my work with young children with special needs, we set goals annually that we work toward on a daily basis.  Quarterly reports state how close to the goal we have come, and all the wonderful things the child has learned to do in the process.  In my own goal plan, or Individualized Life Plan (ILP), I have addressed the areas needing growth as stated above, but planned small steps.  I want to continue progressing in the area of cleaning the house while I'm losing weight, so my expectations have to be somewhat low.  In this way, I am successful with little accomplishments, and can find the motivation to keep going to the next goal level.

Some people find that rewards help them stay focused.  I have found this helpful, but not for the tiny steps (losing 5 pounds, for example).  What I have done in the past is reward myself with purchased things: a new bathing suit for losing weight, a night out for keeping the house clean and tidy, etc.  However, my new mindful attitude changes all that, and I need to incorporate new ways to celebrate victories.  Here's my list:

• Music night at home with friends (playing instruments is one of our favorite things to do but doesn't get done enough)
  
• Trip to the western part of the state (2 hour drive) to check out the mountains, the museums or the towns
• Hike by the river
• Family bike ride
• Girl time with my friends over a cup of tea
• Visit to Boston to see a show or museum (with a pass)
  

Setting goals cuts work into small, manageable pieces, where looking at the whole experience would be challenging and less attainable.  We do it all the time at work without thinking about it, and we teach our children how to do it as well.  So it makes sense to incorporate it for our own ILP's.

What would you put on your ILP?  And what would your rewards be?

Keeping the Balls in the Air

When I was in Vietnam recently, I vowed that I would not come home to a stressful, busy life.  Well, I've been home for just over a week, and I'm already swimming.  It's mostly due to my boys going in opposite directions, but I have to say I think it boils down to organization.  For example, had I put it on the calendar, I would have planned for the concert tonight. Both boys play horns in the school bands, and are required to wear white shirts and black pants.  Well, you'd think we had plenty of those lying around, but gosh darn it, these boys are going to be giants with the way they've been growing!  Several weeks ago, I decided to get our clothing at the thrift store, and for the most part totally enjoy that.  But today, I didn't have the time to search rack after rack for the necessary white/black combinations and couldn't come up empty handed.  So off to Target I went.  And what a speedy-gonzales shopping trip that was.  So then we have a fencing (the 3 Muskateers kind, not the pasture kind) tournament this weekend.  I have to basically find every piece of paper that says my younger son is really who he says he is, in addition to every official fencing paper we've ever received, just to fence for the day.  My goodness - I went through less red tape just to get to Vietnam for 2 weeks.  Yikes - the kid's just going to fence!  well, if you've seen my filing system, you'd know I pretty much don't have one.  So surprise, surprise.  It takes me much, much longer than it should to find anything paperwork oriented.  I can feel the balls just dancing over my head - I just hope they won't drop.  As a mother, I hold so much pertinent information way up in my head.  going to Vietnam meant I had to write much of it down to help my husband make heads or tails of the schedule, etc.  I was pretty amazed at how much I - all of us, really - do to make each day happen.  So I'm wondering, what one thing can I do to make tomorrow easier?  I can make lunches tonight.  So that's what I will do.  This will allow me just one more moment to spend with my family - maybe one more cup of decaf will help me celebrate another day.  How about you - what are you doing to make your day a little easier?

Learning the Art of Praise

http://www.healthline.com/blogs/diet_nutrition/uploaded_images/heart-in-hands-729657.jpg


I love you. I think you are beautiful. You are so thoughtful. I can’t wait to spend time with you.

Do you remember how those words, and others like them, feel? Praise. Attention. Love. We don’t pass it around as much as we like to hear it ourselves. Some folks love to get this type of attention, and yet others act as though it is the last thing they want to hear. But deep down, don’t we all love to be acknowledged? Don’t we all find some security 

while being validated? How can you turn down the positive comments when someone else appreciates who you are and what you’ve done?
I know I feel uneasy when I’m with someone who notices everything I do and comments on it in a ‘too-upbeat’ positive manner. You know the ones – they find something ‘happy’ in everything they do, everything you do, everything going on around them. They find the traffic jam making them late to have a positive twist. They find the baby screaming all the way across the continent on the plane to have a silver lining. They find the job demotion to have some sort of happy ending that you would have never seen. I don’t wish unhappiness on these individuals, but I do question their ability to find everything, I mean everything I do to be good and perfect. That’s when I begin to mistrust their comments and wonder about my abilities. I ask, “If they found that horrid meal to be ‘scrumptious’, how is it that my improvised, on the spot music was also ‘scrumptious’. But I digress…
I recently had an experience where I was with people who are dealing with challenging circumstances. I was amazed at how well each individual was coping with the situation, pleasantly surprised that life had not stopped them completely in the path of change and illness. You never know how life will twist and shake you from moment to moment, and you can only hope that you are strong enough to continue standing up to the challenges. These folks had not lost their laughter, and clearly had not been worn down by illness and frustration.
What I found missing was the reaching out to one another that so supports each of us when we’re in trouble. Praise and admiration was all but missing in most of the conversations. I know underneath the pain and suffering, there is complete and utter devotion from one person to the other, but if you were an outsider, you wouldn’t know it. What happened to the love and understanding we show each other on a continual basis? What happened to loving each other openly, just because? What happened to sharing feelings because they are there to be shared? Why do we let our hurt feelings smolder under the façade of getting through the day? When we meet up with loved ones after being apart for the day, where is the bodily contact to share how much love we feel? I often tell my 11 year old son, “I missed you today” when he comes in from school because I know it makes him feel good. He worries about being away from home, somehow thinking home is much more interesting than school (something I don’t doubt). Telling him I missed him lets him know I was thinking about him through the day, and want to know how he is. I ask him all sorts of questions to let him know I am interested in what he learned and did that day, and in turn, he has learned to be interested in my day. He has observed his father verbally checking in with me, and imitates him by asking if my day was exhausting or fun (most days it’s both).

Have we, as a culture, forgotten how to check in with each other? I know a couple who go right into each others’ arms for a kiss when they get home at the end of the day. At first I thought, ‘Geez, get a room’, but now I love that they can’t wait to see each other after a few hours apart – and this is after 15 years of marriage and several children. We could all learn from them.
Are you lovingly challenged? What’s the first step to welcoming love and praise into your life? Consider the following comments and see what you might be able to add into your dialogues at home:

• I thought about you today.
• What did your boss say at your meeting? (open ended question that asks for more than a yes/no answer – and leads to more questions/comments).
• You look wonderful in that sweater/dress/bathing suit.
• Thank you for taking care of _____________.
• It is wonderful not to have to think about _____________, thanks for taking care of it.
• Thank you for listening to me.
• Thank you for taking care of me.
• Would you come with me? I’d feel better if you did.
• It was good to have you close, that was difficult for me.
• I love you because ________________.
• Let me take care of that for you today.
• Would you like to choose the movie tonight?
• What can we do together this weekend?
• What can I do to make it easier for you today?

Open-ended questions typically draw people into conversations. They demand an answer more developed than yes/no. Closed-ended questions only ask for a yes or no, and are good for times you need quick information – when all you need is a yes or no. If you are hoping to carry on a conversation beyond yes/no, look for ways to ask open-ended questions, such as those listed above.
Something I tend to forget is how powerful physical touch can be. A light touch to the shoulder, arm or hand can be a wonderful way to connect with someone you know somewhat well. For those closer to you, a hug, kiss, or squeeze can feel so good, and it’s almost guaranteed to dissolve those blues that come from switching from work to home. Occasional comments of praise and love ‘out of the blue’ are welcome oases in a day full of challenge and struggle. Try an experiment: In the course of your conversations today, add just one positive, loving comment of praise. Pay close attention to make sure the recipient hears the comment, then watch the reaction. You might be completely surprised at how soon you’ll want to do it again, and possibly with other individuals as well. It’s contagious.  And the best thing about it?  It comes back to you. As long as it’s genuine (not my Miss Happy from above), you really can’t go wrong. Good luck and let me know how it goes!

And by the way – you are looking absolutely stunning today!!