The Geological Dig

Just look at that clean counter!!

Getting our house ready for the market has been quite the experience. Stressful, yes, but also incredibly eye-opening to our habits, priorities and memories. Several weeks ago, we made the final decision to sell our house and began the geological dig through the stuff we have lived with for years and years.

I was scared most of the basement, so we began there. Not only was it filled with the most disgusting yuck from years of a wet, sopping experience down there, it was also the space that would show the most improvement over the smallest span of time. I wish we had a dumpster to toss it all into, but we found ways to decrease the mass of trash bags and got it all out with the evening trash. We were pretty proud of the accomplishment after the first day of digging. We were also saddened that we had let so many of our possessions, once special and memorable, disintegrate down there.

By the time we moved our dig up stairs to the main rooms of the house, we were beginning to get familiar with this strange sensation. We were digging through all these boxes, bags and shelves of things we apparently felt we needed at one time or another. We began to wonder why we needed all this stuff - especially stuff that we hadn't even looked at in a long time. We started asking ourselves, and each other, what does this box of mementoes hold for us? If we trash them, do the memories still exist? What was so important that we needed to hold on to all of this? Why put it in a box in some closet or shelf when we really need to let it go?

Once we got started letting go, it became tough to stop. Only getting back to work after the weekend off took us out of the trashing mentality - but honestly, I kept going in the evenings after work, just at a slower pace. After we attacked each and every room (including the boys' rooms!!), we began looking at the bookshelves, the cupboards, the drawers. If we weren't careful, one of us would put something down and someone else would snatch it up to get tossed!

What we were afraid of happening - finding the love for our house once again - did happen. We love living in a clean and organized space. We love it so much that we are finding new habits to keep it somewhat tidy and presentable. Of course, leading realtors through helps us stay focused on that. But I find that I have been able to let go of the fear that someone would drop by unannounced - mostly because now I want someone to see how beautiful our home has become - but also because we were able to get things cleaned out enough to know what's behind every closet door, under every bed and behind every cabinet. Although we discovered how much we love living in a clean house, we still understand how important it is to sell our home and move on.

Within all this, we made 4 trips to the second-hand store, with the van stuffed with donations. We have made one trip to the bookseller, but only unloaded 7 books. The library will receive the rest. We have made use of our local trash and recycling center with what felt and looked like tons of junk. Living without all of this has brought on a feeling of lightness of being. No longer stepping over things to get into bed, I can navigate to the bathroom and back in the middle of the night without fear of a catastrophe. My kids can find their clothes in the morning without needing a pickax to get through the piles of junk. We are truly a family transformed.

What piles are you hiding behind (or under)? Do you put off sorting through loads of junk as a way to put off cleaning out your life? Or do you have everything in neat order to keep control of things? Have you experienced a clean-out as we have? What did you find out about yourself? Share your thoughts here!

Are You An Animal Lover?

I often ask my boys to 'feed the animals'.  And then, when they ignore me, I start asking why we have the animals after all.  I started to think about this, wondering why I have just about always had animals in my life.  I grew up on a gentleman's farm, with horses, sheep, goats, chickens, ducks and dogs and cats.  When I went on to college, I got a cat.  And then for grad school, I 'adopted' my boyfriend's (now husband's) dog, while introducing him to my siamese cat that had come across country with me.  Now, we have 2 cats, 2 guinea pigs, a bunny, a gecko and many house mice.  What is it that we animal lovers get from these 2-4 legged creatures?

I get unconditional love, and entertainment.  I get a warm fuzzy body curling up in my lap just when I seem to be feeling lost or just the slightest bit blue.  I look at the bunny - who pretty much just gets fed, and doesn't really provide much cuddle or communication experiences for us.  What do we get out of keeping pets like him?  We don't get his fur for warmth, or eggs to eat.  He doesn't provide us with much, per se.  Somehow, just by being a part of our family, he has found an important place.  He now sits in our kitchen, to keep him warm and out of the chilling winds and blowing snow/rain of New England winters.  But I think maybe he'll just stay through the spring.  He's looking a little slower and thinner and just a bit older to me, and he needs my watchful eye to protect him.  Although we don't get to hold him (he bites), he has burrowed his way to my heart, and I will miss him when he moves on.  (I'm not pushing him along - but I don't think it will be too long now)

My younger son BEGGED for guinea pigs at Christmas.  And of course I said no no no.  I knew who would end up feeding them, cleaning the cage, etc - yep.  You guessed it.  Me.  Well I made a pact that I would NOT be the one taking care of these new girls.  No.  No Way.  Uh Uh.

Well.  I don't let them starve.  I go in after my youngest goes to school and make sure they have their food and water - he's 11 and he's trying to do a good job.  Sometimes he forgets, so I take care of that.  They're sweet little girls in that cage - and I just love animals!

What animals must you live with??

Learning the Art of Praise

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I love you. I think you are beautiful. You are so thoughtful. I can’t wait to spend time with you.

Do you remember how those words, and others like them, feel? Praise. Attention. Love. We don’t pass it around as much as we like to hear it ourselves. Some folks love to get this type of attention, and yet others act as though it is the last thing they want to hear. But deep down, don’t we all love to be acknowledged? Don’t we all find some security 

while being validated? How can you turn down the positive comments when someone else appreciates who you are and what you’ve done?
I know I feel uneasy when I’m with someone who notices everything I do and comments on it in a ‘too-upbeat’ positive manner. You know the ones – they find something ‘happy’ in everything they do, everything you do, everything going on around them. They find the traffic jam making them late to have a positive twist. They find the baby screaming all the way across the continent on the plane to have a silver lining. They find the job demotion to have some sort of happy ending that you would have never seen. I don’t wish unhappiness on these individuals, but I do question their ability to find everything, I mean everything I do to be good and perfect. That’s when I begin to mistrust their comments and wonder about my abilities. I ask, “If they found that horrid meal to be ‘scrumptious’, how is it that my improvised, on the spot music was also ‘scrumptious’. But I digress…
I recently had an experience where I was with people who are dealing with challenging circumstances. I was amazed at how well each individual was coping with the situation, pleasantly surprised that life had not stopped them completely in the path of change and illness. You never know how life will twist and shake you from moment to moment, and you can only hope that you are strong enough to continue standing up to the challenges. These folks had not lost their laughter, and clearly had not been worn down by illness and frustration.
What I found missing was the reaching out to one another that so supports each of us when we’re in trouble. Praise and admiration was all but missing in most of the conversations. I know underneath the pain and suffering, there is complete and utter devotion from one person to the other, but if you were an outsider, you wouldn’t know it. What happened to the love and understanding we show each other on a continual basis? What happened to loving each other openly, just because? What happened to sharing feelings because they are there to be shared? Why do we let our hurt feelings smolder under the façade of getting through the day? When we meet up with loved ones after being apart for the day, where is the bodily contact to share how much love we feel? I often tell my 11 year old son, “I missed you today” when he comes in from school because I know it makes him feel good. He worries about being away from home, somehow thinking home is much more interesting than school (something I don’t doubt). Telling him I missed him lets him know I was thinking about him through the day, and want to know how he is. I ask him all sorts of questions to let him know I am interested in what he learned and did that day, and in turn, he has learned to be interested in my day. He has observed his father verbally checking in with me, and imitates him by asking if my day was exhausting or fun (most days it’s both).

Have we, as a culture, forgotten how to check in with each other? I know a couple who go right into each others’ arms for a kiss when they get home at the end of the day. At first I thought, ‘Geez, get a room’, but now I love that they can’t wait to see each other after a few hours apart – and this is after 15 years of marriage and several children. We could all learn from them.
Are you lovingly challenged? What’s the first step to welcoming love and praise into your life? Consider the following comments and see what you might be able to add into your dialogues at home:

• I thought about you today.
• What did your boss say at your meeting? (open ended question that asks for more than a yes/no answer – and leads to more questions/comments).
• You look wonderful in that sweater/dress/bathing suit.
• Thank you for taking care of _____________.
• It is wonderful not to have to think about _____________, thanks for taking care of it.
• Thank you for listening to me.
• Thank you for taking care of me.
• Would you come with me? I’d feel better if you did.
• It was good to have you close, that was difficult for me.
• I love you because ________________.
• Let me take care of that for you today.
• Would you like to choose the movie tonight?
• What can we do together this weekend?
• What can I do to make it easier for you today?

Open-ended questions typically draw people into conversations. They demand an answer more developed than yes/no. Closed-ended questions only ask for a yes or no, and are good for times you need quick information – when all you need is a yes or no. If you are hoping to carry on a conversation beyond yes/no, look for ways to ask open-ended questions, such as those listed above.
Something I tend to forget is how powerful physical touch can be. A light touch to the shoulder, arm or hand can be a wonderful way to connect with someone you know somewhat well. For those closer to you, a hug, kiss, or squeeze can feel so good, and it’s almost guaranteed to dissolve those blues that come from switching from work to home. Occasional comments of praise and love ‘out of the blue’ are welcome oases in a day full of challenge and struggle. Try an experiment: In the course of your conversations today, add just one positive, loving comment of praise. Pay close attention to make sure the recipient hears the comment, then watch the reaction. You might be completely surprised at how soon you’ll want to do it again, and possibly with other individuals as well. It’s contagious.  And the best thing about it?  It comes back to you. As long as it’s genuine (not my Miss Happy from above), you really can’t go wrong. Good luck and let me know how it goes!

And by the way – you are looking absolutely stunning today!!

Putting it in Perspective, Part 2

In California, I'm visiting my family.  What a wonderful time to reconnect with the people I love and have missed for so long.  As part of my sister's cancer treatment, I accompanied her to chemo today.  Having never been to a chemo treatment, I really had no idea what to expect.  I had thought it would be more upbeat than I found it, though.  I suppose the tone of it all that affected me was seeing so many people facing a serious illness.  I have tried to stay connected with my sister as she battles this experience, by phone, email, etc, but I was really surprised at how going to the treatment felt to me.  It's as if I was able to stay a bit disconnected, removed, by being across the country from her.  As if by only hearing her voice but not seeing how the medicine has changed her body has made it safer for me.  I felt so sad knowing she has fought this war.  Then I became angry with the cancer itself.  With everyone's cancer.  How can something so small rage in our bodies and make us so sick, unable to care for our families and tackle daily tasks?  

But I know that my anger is really fear.  I know that when I am feeling out of control with something (like my sister's cancer), I show anger when I really feel fear.  I want to take it away and make her well.  I want to make all those people in the chemo room well.  I want to feel more in control of these difficult feelings.  They make me uncomfortable.  But perhaps I can learn more about myself through them.  How many of us can face our uncomfortabilities?  

So, putting it all in perspective, I think it's time for me to consider some alternatives for dealing with these feelings. The reality is my sister is dealing with a serious illness.  The reality is this illness will not change just because I want it to.  My fear is that she will not have my support in the way she needs as she faces her daily climb to health.  I have days where I don't know what to do, what to say, how to face her illness.  I feel like that 5 year old who stomps her feet and says, "It's not fair".  It isn't fair, but I can learn how to understand that life is experienced on many levels at once.  I can stay in the immediate, cognitive level and try to make sense of it all, or move into what I will call the sensational level - that in which information is delivered through the senses.  On the sensational level, I try less to make sense of everything in a scientific manner, and look more at how things make me feel.  What is my gut instinct?  Looking at my sister's situation, and the chemo experience we had today, the information I get is to be patient and open.  I understand that my anger does not help me, and it takes away from the support I need to give my sister.  

Cancer is ugly.  No doubt about it.  But she's beating it, and I feel lucky to learn from so wise an individual.  Thanks to my sister, I can learn a new way to face difficult situations.  And the journey needn't be scary, since we're here together.