Memories Do Last a Lifetime

Today we spent the day with family to honor a family member who passed away a year ago. I was unsure how we would spend our time together, but very motivated to get together with others to celebrate this occasion. As I often do before a family gathering, I got myself extra busy before leaving for the 1/2 hour drive. I notice that I tend to busy myself in the effort to move away from the anxiety that often comes from anticipating family gatherings. It's not that I do not look forward to these events, I do, and I typically enjoy them once we get going. But my mind seems to go on auto pilot, "Will the boys misbehave?" "Will we get into uncomfortable discussions?" "Will I say something I shouldn't?" Worry worry worry. And when I get ultra busy, I suppose I feel a little less conscious anxiety and more overwhelmed from all I am trying to accomplish before we leave. Ridiculous, I know.
Today was no different, having the need to go to the Asian grocery to find an obscure ingredient that I needed for a raw dish I was trying to make, and to get some fish to bring along. I love that store, but my time crunch this morning made it harder for me to enjoy the trip over there. Then I had to take my youngest son shopping for something he had saved up for and just HAD to have today. And then, being that the Asian store did not have what I needed, I had to traipse over to our favorite health foods store (after calling to be sure I wasn't wasting a trip) which was in the same town that we were traveling to.
Once we were on our way, I was fine. And I began thinking about this family member who passed last year. He taught me so much over the course of 15 years that I knew him. Our relationship was not always joyful, but there was a mutual respect that I will carry with me forever.
When we were all gathered around a beautiful feast, complete with gluten free offerings, thanks to my mother in law, we each spoke out about this family member: our memories, funny stories, things we want to remember, things from a very long time ago, and things from just before he died. Everyone contributed - even my boys who scrunched up their noses when the idea for sharing was announced. But they had ideas in their heads already - they too were touched gently by this family member, and wanted to share. It was a wonderful and touching display of love and tenderness that I had not experienced from our family before. I commented on how this death has brought us all closer, and I think our dear departed member would think kindly of that - that he had brought us all closer in the end, to carry on, sadly, without him, but carry on to bring peace to each other and demonstrate that devotion to the younger generation in our family.

I Love a Bargain!

We went to our favorite thrift store today.  I get so excited when I know we are going, because I have no idea what I will find.  Today, my husband and 13yr old son came along - my husband for the thrill of the hunt, our son, for the $5 jeans.  Actually, it was our son who requested we go, which just warms my little recycling heart.  Our younger son was a bit too tuckered out from a busy Friday, so he took care of himself and stayed home.  

Now, I had a bunch of feelings about going today.  I looove the thrift store, but as you probably know, it takes some time and some hunting around to find things you may want.  And kids don't really give you time, now...do they?  So I was busy looking for things I may 'need', clothes, mostly, and my son of course did not want to stay for long.  Boo hoo.  My shopping time at my favorite place was cut short.

But as we were getting in line to pay, I couldn't help but look at the things that were on the tables close to the check out.  And there it was.  The sweetest, littlest, most home-made, hand needlepointed picture with the inscription: Always Kiss Me Goodnight.  All of 3 inches square and 99 cents, I showed it to my husband, and he smiled, blushed, and added it to our cart.  So sweet.  He says we'll place it over our bed.

Hope you're having a great day.  The sun is shining, and our first crocus just bloomed.  I wish you could see the smile Spring has put on my face.

Learning the Art of Praise

http://www.healthline.com/blogs/diet_nutrition/uploaded_images/heart-in-hands-729657.jpg


I love you. I think you are beautiful. You are so thoughtful. I can’t wait to spend time with you.

Do you remember how those words, and others like them, feel? Praise. Attention. Love. We don’t pass it around as much as we like to hear it ourselves. Some folks love to get this type of attention, and yet others act as though it is the last thing they want to hear. But deep down, don’t we all love to be acknowledged? Don’t we all find some security 

while being validated? How can you turn down the positive comments when someone else appreciates who you are and what you’ve done?
I know I feel uneasy when I’m with someone who notices everything I do and comments on it in a ‘too-upbeat’ positive manner. You know the ones – they find something ‘happy’ in everything they do, everything you do, everything going on around them. They find the traffic jam making them late to have a positive twist. They find the baby screaming all the way across the continent on the plane to have a silver lining. They find the job demotion to have some sort of happy ending that you would have never seen. I don’t wish unhappiness on these individuals, but I do question their ability to find everything, I mean everything I do to be good and perfect. That’s when I begin to mistrust their comments and wonder about my abilities. I ask, “If they found that horrid meal to be ‘scrumptious’, how is it that my improvised, on the spot music was also ‘scrumptious’. But I digress…
I recently had an experience where I was with people who are dealing with challenging circumstances. I was amazed at how well each individual was coping with the situation, pleasantly surprised that life had not stopped them completely in the path of change and illness. You never know how life will twist and shake you from moment to moment, and you can only hope that you are strong enough to continue standing up to the challenges. These folks had not lost their laughter, and clearly had not been worn down by illness and frustration.
What I found missing was the reaching out to one another that so supports each of us when we’re in trouble. Praise and admiration was all but missing in most of the conversations. I know underneath the pain and suffering, there is complete and utter devotion from one person to the other, but if you were an outsider, you wouldn’t know it. What happened to the love and understanding we show each other on a continual basis? What happened to loving each other openly, just because? What happened to sharing feelings because they are there to be shared? Why do we let our hurt feelings smolder under the façade of getting through the day? When we meet up with loved ones after being apart for the day, where is the bodily contact to share how much love we feel? I often tell my 11 year old son, “I missed you today” when he comes in from school because I know it makes him feel good. He worries about being away from home, somehow thinking home is much more interesting than school (something I don’t doubt). Telling him I missed him lets him know I was thinking about him through the day, and want to know how he is. I ask him all sorts of questions to let him know I am interested in what he learned and did that day, and in turn, he has learned to be interested in my day. He has observed his father verbally checking in with me, and imitates him by asking if my day was exhausting or fun (most days it’s both).

Have we, as a culture, forgotten how to check in with each other? I know a couple who go right into each others’ arms for a kiss when they get home at the end of the day. At first I thought, ‘Geez, get a room’, but now I love that they can’t wait to see each other after a few hours apart – and this is after 15 years of marriage and several children. We could all learn from them.
Are you lovingly challenged? What’s the first step to welcoming love and praise into your life? Consider the following comments and see what you might be able to add into your dialogues at home:

• I thought about you today.
• What did your boss say at your meeting? (open ended question that asks for more than a yes/no answer – and leads to more questions/comments).
• You look wonderful in that sweater/dress/bathing suit.
• Thank you for taking care of _____________.
• It is wonderful not to have to think about _____________, thanks for taking care of it.
• Thank you for listening to me.
• Thank you for taking care of me.
• Would you come with me? I’d feel better if you did.
• It was good to have you close, that was difficult for me.
• I love you because ________________.
• Let me take care of that for you today.
• Would you like to choose the movie tonight?
• What can we do together this weekend?
• What can I do to make it easier for you today?

Open-ended questions typically draw people into conversations. They demand an answer more developed than yes/no. Closed-ended questions only ask for a yes or no, and are good for times you need quick information – when all you need is a yes or no. If you are hoping to carry on a conversation beyond yes/no, look for ways to ask open-ended questions, such as those listed above.
Something I tend to forget is how powerful physical touch can be. A light touch to the shoulder, arm or hand can be a wonderful way to connect with someone you know somewhat well. For those closer to you, a hug, kiss, or squeeze can feel so good, and it’s almost guaranteed to dissolve those blues that come from switching from work to home. Occasional comments of praise and love ‘out of the blue’ are welcome oases in a day full of challenge and struggle. Try an experiment: In the course of your conversations today, add just one positive, loving comment of praise. Pay close attention to make sure the recipient hears the comment, then watch the reaction. You might be completely surprised at how soon you’ll want to do it again, and possibly with other individuals as well. It’s contagious.  And the best thing about it?  It comes back to you. As long as it’s genuine (not my Miss Happy from above), you really can’t go wrong. Good luck and let me know how it goes!

And by the way – you are looking absolutely stunning today!!

The Big Picture

After speaking with my sister this evening, it dawned on me that simplifying my life will not take place unless I keep the bigger picture in mind.  Somehow, we get dragged down by the moment by moment rush of daily life - the laundry, the meals, the phone calls, the emails, the job, and oh yeah, gotta take care of the kids, the carpool, the PTO meeting, the potluck...the list is endless.

Part of why I started this blog several days ago is because I was losing sight of the big picture.  Why are we here, day to day, going through the motions like they meant something?  Why are we trudging through our daily tasks with a sense of dread and foreboding without ever looking at our shining horizons?  They are there.  I know they are there.  

The amazing part of all of this, is it was my big sister reminding me about the big picture.  My sister, who has bravely marched along the path of cancer survivor for the past 6 months, is the one who tells ME to relax and look at the big picture.  She has learned so much as she struggled with the truth that her body was fighting itself.  She has learned so much she even has wisdom to spare on the day she receives her 5th chemo treatment.  She has learned to find the big picture even when feeling like her insides were being burned out, losing her eyebrows, losing her appetite, feeling pulled from her family.  I listen to her wisdom -wisdom that she has no idea she even has - and it's as if I hear the bigger picture talking.  It says, 'Remember why you are here.  It's not the laundry, the groceries, the playdates, the phone calls, the mortgage.  It's to find the ones you love and share how you feel.  Let them in.  And rejoice in every moment, laundry, dishes, job and all.  You are here.'

I have alot to learn from this picture.  And from what I can see, it's colors change every day, but the message stays the same.

Be here.  Today.