Finding Fear

As I look at taking better care of my body, I am becoming much more aware of emotions that hang around, influencing decisions and moods.  One of these emotions that crops up quite often is fear.  I'm not sure if this is a child-like fear that was never resolved, or a new, adult-sized fear.  And I'm not too sure if making the discovery of where this feeling came from originally is really important.  At this point, I am only interested in the fact that it is here, and feels like it has set roots down in me.  Not like an 'Alien' type thing, more of a 'Hey there, I'm around until you decide what to do with me' sort of thing.

But what purpose does fear serve?  We all know that fear can help guide us to make the right decision, such as not crossing the road at a time when cars are passing - no, be afraid of getting hit.  Yes of course - and this just turns into good judgement and common sense later on.  But as adults, what scares us?  I know that the unknown can scare me pretty deeply.  I'm not talking about the simple things - not knowing what's for dinner, or what the weather will be.  I'm talking about not knowing if my children will be ok without their parents when the time comes.  Will they stay safe when they are not at home?  I think it's natural for any parent to be concerned, yes, even scared about their children.  But what if we go deeper?

I think about my health and the decisions I've made over the past 2 decades - the time when I was really the one in control and answered to no one.  Years of ice cream and Doritos has taken a toll on me now - one that I don't know if I can undo, although I am working on it.  I now look in the mirror and see a frightened child looking back.  A child wrapped in layers of protection, yet no covering is enough to keep the hurt or confusion out.   It's as if all the years of putting on the pounds was my attempt at wrapping the layers of an onion all around, shielding me from rejection, disappointment and fear.  And yet, if I really look at it, I understand that all those layers KEPT those feelings inside of me.  Rather than shield me from the hurt of the outside world which I felt anyway, I also endured the anger and wrath of my inner critic demanding to know what was wrong with me that I didn't look like everyone else, act like everyone else, eat like everyone else.  The stronger that voice became, the more layers I wrapped myself in, and the cycle started over again.  every time I wrapped a layer around, I was causing those feelings to bounce back on me, when I wanted to keep them out altogether.  Talk about self-sabotage!

Finding a way to soften that inner critic has me face to face with my fear.  It's not an ugly stand-off as I had expected, but rather like a gentle calling to a frightened animal, one who is reluctant to come close for fear of the unexpected.  Through this process I am learning patience as I know this will not turn overnight.  I am also learning gratitude for being alive, for being able to recognize and hold these feelings, even if working through them every day is not an option for me.  

It's funny to type this up and sound so grown up, but of course in reality, I have good days and really bad days with this.  Just yesterday, you would have thought me 5 years old with the tantrums I had, stomping my feet and pulling my hair.  The problem??  I was mad that I couldn't have cake with my boys.  Imagine that.

Mind-Body Challenge 2010! Update and Others

First off - I lost 1 pound this week.  I know this 'should' be going faster, especially when I have so much to lose, but I'm struggling with doing what feels good and what just sounds good.  French fries sound good, but a tossed salad or baked cauliflower feel good.  I just don't think at this point, I'm able to pit cauliflower against french fries.  I'm just too addicted.  So sorry.  But I'm reading a great book by Mariel Hemingway which I will share very soon.  Finally I found a book that looks at more than just diet or exercise, but looks at life values and gentle shifts to come to a place of peace.  It's not a new book - I think it was published in the '90's.  I found it for $3 in a used book store (that I will also share with you soon).

On the home front, my sons attended a 'pink' dance at their school to raise awareness and some funds for breast cancer research.  I believe they raised in total over $800.  No to shabby for a bunch of young whipper snappers!  Here are the boys ready to go boogie:

I am happy to say the stomach flu has left the building.  However, a head cold has once again landed in my elder son's body, making this the 4th week of illness in our home.  I have been wondering if my dishes are getting clean enough with the new dishwasher detergent... if the dishes still have germs, then we will keep getting sick... right?  So I have decided to do the un-green thing and turn on the extra hot water for the next few cycles to see if there is a difference.  I really don't want to go back to using the toxic gel.  I wish we could open the windows to air the place out, but it is too ----- cold.  I think down around 10 degrees (F) is a bit too chilly to welcome the winter air in to do what?- invite pneumonia?  No thanks, we'll wait until spring.  Until then, we'll keep the homeopathy handy, and more chicken soup!

And about the lunch detention... well, it apparently went like this:

My son's version:

My son received detention early in the day.  He ended up going to lunch, having forgotten that he had detention.  Once he remembered, he arrived about 10 minutes late to the library for his detention, to see 3 other kids there as well.  No teacher.  He sat down and waited.  While he waited, one of the kids left.  

The teacher's version:

The teacher gave the detention to my son on a day she had lunch duty.  On those days, her associate takes the detention.  The associate was in the room at the start of lunch, and gave the 3 kids the instruction to eat their lunches, going so far as to check to make sure they all had their lunches.  Then she left to get her own lunch.  When she returned, all 3 kids were done eating (she assumed because they were no longer eating) and she had them help put chairs at the tables and then told them that detention was over.  

Ok, so we see a merging of experiences here - the teacher clearly did not know my child to notice that he came late, nor did she recognize that the 3 students in her room were not necessarily the 3 whom she left in the beginning of the period.  My son, having remembered the rule that there is no eating in the library, had tossed his (very good and nutritious) lunch in the trash prior to arriving at the library, not knowing the rules had changed.  Oh yes-  they have changed the rules so you can now eat in the library.  I can now let go of my anger - and you can too.  judging from the comments I received, this hit a sore spot with everyone!  

Lisa (left) and me

And last, an update on my wonderful sister, Lisa.  She is recovering from her recent thyroid surgery, glad to have that removed.  She is now getting ready for a new course of chemo and scans to keep a close eye on additional hot spots picked up by her latest PET scan.  I am planning a trip to visit her in California as soon as I can.  Never before has 2500 miles felt so very far away.  Again, I am acquainted with the sense that I am powerless and afraid.  All I need is some meditation to bring me 'round to that place of peace and understanding that I found during her previous battles.  If you have some extra positive energy lying around, perhaps you could send it her way one of these days.  I betcha she'll feel it!

Mind-Body Challenge 2010! Update

Well, it was bound to happen.  I gained 1.5 pounds this week.  Actually, I'd be wondering about my scale if I didn't gain weight this week.  I had a very stressful week, with announcements at work that didn't thrill me, and a sick child all week long with the stomach flu.  That translates into more emotional eating for me virtually due to the fact that I was home more with things on my mind.

I've been thinking about this whole idea of extra weight.  How does it serve me?  How does wearing my anxieties, fears and emotional abundances on the outside serve the purpose of who I am?  Why, when I know how to eat and nurture myself, do I choose the opposite road?  I have a friend who has a chronic illness.  She knows exactly how to care for herself, as she has dealt with this illness for several decades.  She routinely knows how much sleep she needs, the proper nutrition she needs, the triggers for her flare ups.  However, I have, over the many years I've known her, watched her sabotage several of these known cares, which of course land her in bed with a flare up.  Why?  She doesn't know why.  Why isn't proper care for our selves important enough to keep us on the right path?

I am always in awe of thin women - because you know as a large woman, I idolize thin women...  but anyhow, I watch them at gatherings surrounded by creamy and rich foods that I feel like I could dive right into and swim to oblivion.  But no - it's just food to them.  UGH!  Just food!?!?!?  How do you NOT eat everything in sight?  It just isn't very important to them - being with people and enjoying themselves is key to their happiness in that moment.  At least with the few I've had the nerve to question.

Clearly, I am just starting to uncover some of my hang-ups over food, emotions, how other people live, and how I can care for myself.  Luckily, I see this as a long, nurturing road with ups and downs of weight and feelings.  I don't feel angry at myself because of the weight gain and I don't feel like I failed - I do hope I keep on the right track, though.  I suppose that's my deep-down fear - that I won't ever get this weight off.

Learning About Trust

I have dropped all 'diet' aspirations.  I will not 'diet' for the rest of my life.  I have never, ever, lost weight with a 'diet' and kept it off – Have you?  Kept it off forever, I mean.  I have been wondering about my lack of self-trust.  Why have I been unable to trust that I inherently know what is best for my body, and ultimately, myself?  Why is it so much easier/better/more acceptable (choose one) to follow what someone else feels is ‘best’ for our bodies?  Why read the next greatest diet book and follow their plan, without taking time each day to check in with our own voice inside telling us exactly what to do?  I have mistrusted myself for such a long time that I have forgotten what that voice sounds like.  All those diet fads send us the strong message of ‘We know what you need.  You don’t.  Trust our research.  We’ve done the work so you don’t have to.  Dieting is all about willpower.  You don’t have enough, so you are fat.  Stop eating X (insert any food of your choice) and you will be free of fat.’  Blah blah blah.  No thanks.

You know what makes more sense?  Tossing those books and programs aside and learning to trust our bodies.  I have spent the past 2 weeks getting back in touch with my body, asking it what it needs, and carefully listening to the voice that says ‘I’ve had enough, thank you’.  I am learning that I can eat what my body is telling me to eat without overeating.  I am learning that there are so many other things to do than count calories, carbs, figure out my balanced meal, that make me feel fed.  And I am beginning to shed the body fat that has kept me ’safe’ from so many emotional pains all these years.

Looking at why I tend to overeat is the key to my excess weight.  I eat when bored, excited, anxious, tired, sad, angry.  By reminding myself to stay focused and present, I have been somewhat successful at redirecting that binge behavior into more constructive activities (mostly, just becoming aware of the feelings).  I say somewhat successful, as this is new for me, and I have moments when completely overwhelmed by stress and find myself eating before becoming aware that I am actually eating.

The other thing I have been trying that seems to work is eating slowly, counting my chews.  By doing this, I am able to really concentrate on the nourishment I am sending down to my belly.  It is important that I not be reading, watching TV or having an in depth conversation while eating, as I get caught up and eat much more than I need in one sitting.  When I eat at work with my colleagues, I have a hard time eating and following the animated conversations at that same time!  I have noticed a very subtle change in my focus when I get full.  Learning when I have had enough of something has been tricky.  I have eaten from head hunger for so long, I thought I wouldn’t be able to find my belly hunger.  But, lo and behold, there it was.  And I am able to feel just how fast I get full.  Amazingly fast.  In fact, I fill up before I finish a sandwich!  How many times have I gulped down my lunch to then want more food – and of course, go get more food and shove that down.  Then I would spend my afternoon exhausted as my body tried to deal with that brick of food crammed in my stomach.

I went out to eat with my husband last night.  I ordered the curry chicken.  It was fabulous.  It was so creamy and yummy – exactly what I wanted.  I was starving because I had not been very hungry at lunchtime and ate very little.  By dinner, I could have eaten a large building.  When the plate of chicken came, I jumped right in.  Whoops.  Stop and think, girl.  Count your bites, do anything to refocus your eating.  Ah… that’s better.  I came to a stopping place midway through.  Then, just because I am a compulsive eater, I ate a couple more bites.  No.  STOP.  I asked the server to box it up for me.  Now I have dinner for tonight in my little doggie bag.  Awesome.  I am amazed at the copious amounts of food I have eaten in the past.  I marvel at our food bills from the past several years.  Might I bring down some of our monthly food costs by eating more mindfully?  I think so.

The best part of learning about trusting myself is that if I really listen to my body, it really does tell me what it needs.  I have to get out of my own way to trust it – to really trust that it is full, or hungry, or that I will not have to eat now for hunger that will rise in 2 hours.  I have to trust that I will never be without the ability to meet my needs.  I have to trust that I know how to care for my body better than the diet books.  I would never trust raising my child to a book, so why do I look to books to tell me how to take care of me?  I have the answers, deep inside.  And I can figure this out as long as I listen to my inner voice that only wants to be loved and cared for.

Mind-Body Challenge 2010! Update and Bubble Tea

Well, it's Saturday, and weigh-in day once again.  I was pretty nervous today, because I was not particularly careful with my diet, and barely exercised at all.  But as it turned out, I had hormones working in my favor, and I ended up



down 1.5 pounds!!!

So that brings my total lost to a whopping 4.5 pounds!

I started looking into returning to my neighborhood gym today.  I'm paying for it, might as well go.  I wish they had a class specifically for people like me - not a couch potato, but close to it, and pretty new to exercise.  Well, pretty new to actually wanting to exercise.  I brought this idea up to a trainer I used a while ago, and she was only slightly interested.  I personally see a huge need for a class for 'newbies' to get into the gym with a sensitive trainer - maybe a total body workout class that moved gently.  A 6-week program that would ease folks into working out - teach them all about the gym and how to use the machines, etc.  Why don't they do that?  There could be side classes on nutrition as well.  At my gym, you have to figure out how to use the machines on your own, or hire a trainer.  I used my membership for about 5 months, then stopped going.  I had no motivation because I couldn't keep up with the 'gentle' yoga classes - I had to do about 28 downward dog poses in rapid succession.  Yikes.  By the time I got into position, the class would be far ahead of me.  If I could find a way to develop a class for new, overweight and only slightly motivated people, I think many others would be bound to stick with their New Year's resolutions a bit longer.  I'll look into it.

On a totally different topic, I tried Bubble Tea for the first time today.  My eldest son purchased a cup of iced tea with large tapioca pearls in the bottom.  I wasn't really very Bubble Tea savvy when he gave me a sip from his extremely large straw (to accommodate the tapioca) and of course choked dramatically, ruining my whole first try.  Not his, though - he sucked and then chewed the whole cup down in a few minutes flat.   A very interesting experience, bubble tea.  I may try it again.  Who'd have thought to put tapioca in the bottom of an iced tea?  It's like a meal and drink in one.  Have you ever tried this?

Chocolate... The Root of All Evil? Or Saving Grace?

I have this funny relationship with chocolate.  I think many women do - and possibly men as well.  I give chocolate a whole personality in my head.  It speaks to me.  It tells me what I want (usually more chocolate).  And it seems to run my life some days.  I can be incredibly organized and prepared for food cravings (one of my biggest challenges with weight loss endeavors), but once chocolate has arrived, forget it.  He (and you KNOW it's a HE) saunters in and swishes his little tail, and makes some ridiculous remark like, "Hey Beautiful, like what you see?" and there I go - gotta have a bite.
This is all to say I had some chocolate last night and feel weird about it.  Trying hard to be 'careful' of what goes into my body and how I treat it, I was fighting a major craving while working on my computer last night and I guess I gave in.  I was fully conscious of the decision, it wasn't a sudden awareness like, "Oh wow.  I just ate half a football field of Reese's".  I fixed myself a small bowl of mini chocolate chips and sat back down to enjoy them.
Those chips were lovely.  They weren't really what I wanted (probably the Reese's would have done the trick), but I was able to get beyond the craving by having this small amount.

What is it about chocolate?  Why can't I crave pistachios?  Or how about cabbage?  Split peas?  Oh I know... Ground beef?  No.  Nothing else will do when chocolate is called for.  I get a high from sugar that you'd probably be concerned about if you saw me.  I'm a pretty low-energy kinda gal and after chocolate I get pretty happy.  Ohhhhhhh.  There's a clue.  Mr. Chocolate is my happy pill?  Hmmm.
Ok.  Note to self - look for ways to bring on happiness BEFORE chocolate enters the room!  If I'm already happy, perhaps I won't feel the same pull from the beast, or can be happy with the tiniest of tastes.

Great.  Any idea how I can now work with Ms. Fatso Potato Chip?

Mind-Body Challenge 2010!

 Happy New Year!

What a great day to get started on weight loss and fitness! I know, I know… jumping on the bandwagon yet again just like everyone else. But, for some reason, this year feels different. I have much more motivation and reason to make major changes in my life, and feel ready to go.

I have 100 pounds to lose to get healthy and live my long-intended life. I have a host of conditions directly or indirectly related to obesity, which I would like to alter or completely reverse altogether with weight loss, nutrition, and getting to know a part of me that is trapped under 100 pounds of fear, loss, anxiety and hunger.

So I have created the Mind-Body Challenge 2010!

My program will include the following:

• I will use eating programs that I am familiar with, but will not shut out those I will learn about along the way.
• I will take incredible care of my body and my mind.
• I will learn to listen to my inner voice as it speaks of hunger, requests and feelings I may not typically want to know about.
• I will use an online support system through this blog and others, to reach out to others and accept support along the way.
• I will learn to support the positive, not focus on my shortcomings or term mistakes as failures.
• I will find ways to satisfy my social life without needing food to carry me through.
• I will discover and create new, healthy recipes which will be posted to be shared on this blog.
• I will explore the fear other intense emotions that cause me to turn to food for comfort, and find other ways to nourish myself.
• I will not Give Up.

This should be interesting!  Look for regular updating posts to log my progress!  Feel free to join me if you feel you need to jump start your level of mind-body-nurturance.  Just leave me a comment, and I will send you a blog button announcing your participation.  I will also start a list of folks joining me, so we can invite more support and encouragement!

Here's to a Healthy 2010!